Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [23]
As viewers, white people like to watch these films because it helps them to get a basic grasp on a complex issue in an hour or two.
After watching a political documentary, white people often feel as though they have learned enough to begin teaching others about what they saw in the film. Perhaps you noticed the increase in health-care policy scholars in 2007, or American foreign-policy experts in 2004, or gun-control pundits in 2002.
These are all references to white hero Michael Moore, the filmmaker who has produced a body of work responsible for reaffirming things that white people already believe in. Generally, white people get very excited about documentaries that will confirm they are right. Sadly, Moore’s ability to actually change the way people think has been marginal.
Sometimes white people will watch a documentary to learn about a new subject; these are called “foreign documentaries” and are an important part of white discourse. In fact, they are second only to celebrity endorsement in terms of creating white passion around a subject.
Be aware that an invitation to see a documentary film will often involve watching the film, suffering through a question-and-answer period, and potentially ending up with the filmmaker sleeping on your couch.
58 Japan
Though there is full white consensus on a number of white things, there is perhaps nothing that draws more universal white acclaim than the island nation of Japan. It should be noted that some white people harbor some ill will toward Japan because of whaling, killing dolphins, or the Rape of Nanking, but those are generally considered isolated incidents that do not indict the entire nation.
White people love Japan for a number of reasons. Sushi is pretty much the biggest one, since white people have spent so much time in sushi restaurants enjoying the food, learning how to eat it, and most important, how to be snobby about it. This natural curiosity fills them with a need to pay a visit to Tsukiji and taste the freshest sushi possible.
But it goes beyond food. All white people either have taught/will teach/ wished they had taught English in Japan. It is a dream for them to go overseas and actually live in Japan. This helps them not only because it fills their need to travel, but it also enables them to gain important leverage over other white people at sushi restaurants when they can say, “This place is pretty good, but living in Japan really spoiled me. I’ve had such a hard time finding a really authentic place.”
White people also love Japan because of its tradition, futuristic cities, films, kawaii stuff, music, and writers. Many white nerds are into anime, so being too into this can be seen as a negative by white people. It’s best to have a passing familiarity with things like Hayao Miyazaki, who is universally accepted by white people. If they don’t know who he is, they will look him up and they won’t find weird violent or sexual cartoons.
If you find yourself in the midst of an awkward silence when talking to white people, just mention that you want to go to Japan. They will immediately begin talking about their trip to Japan, or their favorite stuff from Japan, but it will be entirely about them. This is useful as you no longer have to talk, and they will like you for letting them talk about themselves.
As with anime, you have to be careful about how much you like Japan. If you know how to speak Japanese you kind of ruin it for everyone else.
59 Natural Medicine
One thing all white people believe is that natural medicine can cure everything. If you want to test this theory, think about which stores supply the bulk of natural/herbal remedies. That’s right! Whole Foods and organic co-ops!
Because of its rather shady history, white people do not trust the pharmaceutical industry. Using pretty sound logic, they believe that the drug companies