Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [24]
Since white people can’t really blame any race for their problems, they need to blame corporations. In this case, the reason that they are sick or fat or without energy is because the drug companies are in a conspiracy to keep them addicted to placebos. This helps them shed accountability and lets them feel like they are helping the environment by rejecting the polluting, greedy, awful drug companies and taking natural, organic medicine from the Earth.
But perhaps it goes deeper. Hundreds of years ago, another group of people believed firmly in natural medicine and its ability to cure disease. Then white people gave them blankets with smallpox, and they all died. So perhaps turning to natural medicine also helps white people feel better about killing natives.
How can you use this for gain? It’s easy! When white people you work with are feeling sick or say they have no energy, ask them to tell you more about their problems. After pretending to listen for a little while, tell them that in your culture/home country, “We cured that using a special herbal powder from [insert made-up tree] root.”
Then the next day take them a small bag of basil or oregano and tell them to boil it in a tea (white people love to believe in magic teas) and see how they feel in the morning. One of two things will happen. They will either wake up feeling great because they want to feel great and they’ll thank you profusely, or they will wake up feeling like crap, and when you confront them at work, they will lie and say they feel good.
Either way, you did them a favor, so now they owe you a favor.
Note: It’s weird that there are some white people who won’t take aspirin but will take Ecstasy, cocaine, Xanax, and Vicodin.
60 Toyota Prius
Over the years, white people have gone through a number of official cars. In the ’80s it was the Saab and the Volvo. By the ’90s it was a Volkswagen Jetta or a Subaru 4WD station wagon. But these days there is only one car for white people; one car that defines all that they love: the Toyota Prius.
The Prius might be the most perfect white product ever. It’s expensive, gives the idea that you are helping the environment, and requires no commitment or life changes other than having slightly less money.
The Toyota Prius gets 45 miles per gallon. That’s right, you can drive 45 miles and burn only one gallon of gasoline. So somehow, through marketing or perception, the Prius lets people think that driving their car is good for the environment. It’s a pretty sweet deal for white people. You can buy a car, continue to drive to work and to Barack Obama rallies, and still feel like you are helping the environment!
Some white people pull the ultimate move: Prius, Apple sticker on the back, iPod rocking, and Democratic candidate bumper sticker. Unstoppable!
There are a few ways you can use this to your advantage. If you are carpooling to an event or party you can always say, “Can we take your Prius? My car doesn’t get good mileage and I feel guilty driving it.” And bam! Free ride!
Also, if you see a white person in a Prius you can say, “Wow, it’s great to see that you’re doing something for the Earth.” The white person will feel very good about themself and offer to drive you home or to IKEA, or to drop you off at ’80s night.
61 Bicycles
A good place to find white people on a Saturday is at a bike shop. Bike shops are almost entirely staffed and patronized by white people!
But not all white people love bicycles in the same way. There is much diversity. First up, we have the younger urban white folks who absolutely love their fixed-gear bicycles. These are seen all over college towns, Silverlake in L.A., Williamsburg in Brooklyn, Queen West in Toronto, and Victoria, British Columbia. Fixed-gear bicycles meet a lot of requirements for