Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [25]
Some white people also like mountain bikes because they let them be in nature. It really isn’t any more complicated than that.
And finally, many white people love expensive road bikes and the accompanying Spandex uniforms. These enable them to ride long distances and to wear really tight clothes without any social stigma. This type of rider will spend upward of $5,000 on a bicycle and up to $400 on accessories but will not ride to work—perhaps because they cannot wear the Spandex there. It is important that you never question why someone needs a $5,000 bicycle, since the answer is always “performance.”
For the most part, these rules are unisex. But there is a special category of bicycle that appeals far more to white women: the European city bike (pictured). White women have a lot of fantasies about idealized lives, and one of them is living in Europe and riding around an old city on one of these bikes. They dream about waking up and riding to a little café, visiting bakeries and cheese shops, and finally riding home to prepare a fancy meal for their friends, who will all eat under a canopy decorated with white Christmas lights. This information can be used to help gain the trust/admiration of a white woman, especially if you can pull off a lie about how your mother used to do all these things when she was younger.
And of course, it goes without saying that white people who ride bikes like to talk about how they are saving the Earth. If you know a person who rides to work, you should take them aside and say, “Hey, thanks. Sincerely, the Earth.” Then give a thumbs-up. That white person will ride home on a cloud.
62 Knowing What’s Best for Poor People
White people spend a lot of time worrying about poor people. It takes up a pretty significant portion of their day. They feel guilty and sad that poor people shop at Wal-Mart instead of Whole Foods, that they vote Republican instead of Democratic, that they go to community college or get a job instead of studying art at college.
It is a poorly kept secret that, deep down, white people believe that if given money and education, all poor people would be exactly like them. In fact, the only reason that poor people make the choices they do is because they have not been given the means to make the right choices and care about the right things.
A great way to make white people feel good is to tell them about situations where poor people changed how they were doing things because they were given the “whiter” option. “Back in my old town, people used to shop at Wal-Mart, and then this nonprofit organization came in and set up a special farmer’s co-op so that we could buy more local produce, and within two weeks the Wal-Mart shut down and we elected our first Democratic representative in forty years.” White people will first ask which nonprofit, and are they hiring? They will be so filled with euphoria that they will invite you to more parties so you can tell this story to their friends.
WARNING: It is essential that you make it clear that poor people do not make decisions based on free will. To suggest anything to the contrary could crush white people and their hope for the future.
63 Expensive Sandwiches
Having already covered breakfast and dinner options, the question remains: What do white people like to do for lunch? The answer: eat expensive sandwiches.
If you need to find a cache of white people, get yourself to a sandwich shop. Generally these places aren’t open for dinner, have a panini press, and are famous for their bread. There are always