Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [26]
The waiters and waitresses in these places are highly coveted by the white population. They are not quite as cool as bartenders, not quite as snobby as coffeeshop workers, but still artsy, young, and more than likely to be a musician/artist/writer (since they only have to work from 11:00 to 3:00).
If you are in the position where you need to take a white person to lunch for business or pleasure, saying “I know a great sandwich shop” will always bring out a smile. The white person will then tell you about the great sandwich shop in the town where they went to college and how they had a crush on a waiter, or that there was a special sandwich they always ordered. This will put the person in a good mood.
It’s important to note that this type of restaurant is best for business or friendship situations, as it is very neutral and does not carry romantic connotations as sushi and breakfast do. So if a white person that you are interested in decides to invite you for a sandwich, do not assume it will lead to any sort of sexual conduct.
These sandwiches generally start at $8.99. Remember that whenever a white person says they want to go to a sandwich shop you are looking at at least a $15 outlay after tip and drink, $20 if the place has a good selection of microbrews.
Also note: White people will wait up to 40 minutes for a good sandwich.
64 Recycling
Recycling is part of a larger theme of stuff white people like: saving the Earth without having to do that much.
Recycling is fantastic! You can still buy all the stuff you like (bottled water, beer, wine, organic iced tea, and cans of all varieties), and then when you’re done you just put it in a different bin from your other garbage. And boom! Environment saved! Everyone feels great. It’s so easy!
This is important because all white people feel guilty about producing waste. It doesn’t stop them from doing it, of course. Deep down they believe they should be like the Native Americans and use every part of the product or beast they have consumed. For many white people this simply means putting plastic bags into a special drawer, where they will accumulate until they are eventually used to carry gym clothes or a bathing suit. Ultimately this drawer will get full and will be emptied only when the person moves to a new home. Advanced recyclers use them as garbage bags.
If you are in a situation where a white person produces an empty bottle, watch their actions. They will first say, “Where’s the recycling?” If you say, “We don’t recycle,” prepare for some awkwardness. They will make a move to throw the bottle away, hesitate, and then ultimately throw the bottle away. But after they return, look in their eyes. All they can see is the bottle lasting forever in a landfill, trapping small animals. It will eat at them for days, so at this point you should say, “I’m just kidding, the recycling is under the sink. Can you fish out that bottle?” And they will do it 100 percent of the time!
The best advice is that if you plan to deal with white people on a regular basis, either start recycling or purchase a large blue bin so that they can believe you do it.
65 Coed Sports
White people love being outside, but they don’t often have time for marathons or ten-mile bike rides. The answer is to play coed sports. This provides white people with a valuable opportunity to make friends with other white people and maybe even find a date.
Many white people play in their first coed league in college. It is considered good form to talk about how you played in one of these leagues, when the best player on your team was a girl. This will make everyone feel better and remind them of the benefits of supporting women’s athletics.
As white people move into careers, the coed leagues become important tools for bonding with co-workers and making valuable career connections. Popular coed sports include kickball, softball, flag football, and soccer. Although kickball used to be kind of cool, it’s sort of played out.