Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [27]
On the surface, these events seem like friendly contests, with everyone having a laugh. But danger lurks, and within them exists the possibility to ruin your reputation and hard-earned status with white people. It is key that you properly match your athletic ability to your surroundings.
If you are a poor athlete, rest easy. Coed sports were made for you! But if you are reasonably skilled in sports, you have to be extremely careful how you approach your coed matches. If you try too hard (bowling over a female catcher, throwing a kickball extra hard at someone), you come off as an aggressive, crazy maniac. On the other hand, if you don’t try at all, you come off as a jerk who thinks they are above the game. The only solution is to approach it like a point-shaving basketball player—play hard enough to be convincing, but not hard enough to win.
If you follow these rules, you will find yourself invited to the mandatory postgame drinks at a local bar, where you will be photographed many times.
66 Divorce
If you are in a room with more than five white people it is a statistical certainty that at least two of them have divorced parents and at least one has an ex-wife or husband. The divorce rate among white people is sky-high, and it is one of the most easily exploited aspects of white culture.
The combination of alcohol and stories about divorce is the easiest and most efficient way to gain the trust and admiration of a white person. If your parents never divorced and you are required to lie, do not worry about being called out. White people spend most of their day waiting for opportunities to complain about their parents, and they will likely only ask questions about your scenario to be polite. Say whatever you like, they are only waiting for trigger expressions to enable them to return to their own story. Popular ones include unhappy, work, affair, tough time at school, and tied down. Say any of these and the white person will immediately redirect the conversation back to their situation.
When the night finally ends, you will be operating on a friendship level that normally takes eight to ten months.
If the white person is actually going through a divorce, do not be too concerned. A lifetime of difficult breakups has prepared them for the event. They are well equipped to become the center of attention for their friends and family. The best thing you can do in this scenario is to constantly reassure the white person that they deserve better. It will comfort them instantly. This is due to the fact that all white people believe they deserve more than they have. Hearing it from someone else helps to confirm the injustice of fate and gives them hope that they will eventually receive the sexual and career payday that is long overdue.
Finally, if you have a deceased parent do not bring it up when white people are talking about divorce. You will immediately be crowned the winner of the pain party, but you will also make all the white people feel bad for making such a big deal out of nonfatal divorce.
67 Standing Still at Concerts
Music is very important to white people. It truly is the soundtrack to their lives, meaning that white people are constantly thinking about what songs would be on the soundtrack of their biopic. The problem is that most of the music white people like isn’t especially dance-friendly. More often the songs are about pain, love, breaking up with someone, not being able to date someone, or death.
So when white people go to concerts at smaller venues, what do they do? They stand still! This is an important part of white concertgoing, as it enables you to focus on the music, and it will prevent drawing excess attention to yourself. Remember, at a concert everyone is watching you, just waiting for you to try to start dancing. Then they will make fun of you.
The result is Belle and Sebastian concerts, which essentially look more like a disorganized line of people than musical events.
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