Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [28]
Note: The addition of the drug Ecstasy changes everything.
68 Michel Gondry
When compiling the canon of directors that white people like, one must include Michel Gondry. He has directed such white classics as Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Science of Sleep, and Dave Chappelle’s Block Party. Oh, that’s right, Charlie Kaufman, Gael García Bernal, and Dave Chappelle—could it get any better for white people? Oh yes, it could.
You see, Michel Gondry got famous by directing videos for the White Stripes, Massive Attack, and Björk. These are three acts that, at some point in their lives, all white people have thought were cool.
Between the ages of 16 and 20, all white people go through a phase in which they aspire to become a music-video director. This is followed shortly by a phase in which they want to become a regular director. In both cases, they don’t want to produce generic content, they want to create art. As a result, the two directors who have achieved this (Spike Jonze is the other) are universally beloved by white people.
If you look at the DVD collection of a white person (even one without a TV), you will find The Work of Director Michel Gondry.
This knowledge can be used to help find common ground with white people. Talk about how you wanted to direct music videos after you saw Michel Gondry’s video for “Around the World” by Daft Punk. Then make a joke about how foolish you were at that age, and everyone will have a good laugh. But they will also feel your pain about sacrificing your artistic dreams.
69 Mos Def
In the olden days of white culture, people used to look up to kings and princes. These were the people they adored, and every night they wished and hoped that somehow they could wake up and be just like them. But with royal families crumbling, that role has been filled by one man: Mos Def.
He is everything that white people dream about: authentic (“He’s from Brooklyn!”), funny (“He was on Chappelle’s show!”), artistic (“Have you heard ‘Black on Both Sides’?”), an actor (“He’s in the new Gondry film!”), and not white (“I don’t see race”). He has done an amazing job of being in big-budget movies (The Italian Job) and having one of his songs (“Ms. Fat Booty”) become a white-person wedding staple but still retaining authenticity and credibility.
If you find yourself in a social situation where you are asked to list your favorite actor or artist, you should always say Mos Def. That way you can name someone that everyone has heard of and you don’t look like you are trying to one-up anybody. The only possible negative consequence is some white people might think, “I wish I had said that first.”
70 Difficult Breakups
Prior to engaging in divorce, most white people train for it by engaging in a series of long-term relationships that end very poorly. At some point you will likely encounter a white person who is in the middle of a difficult breakup with a boyfriend or girlfriend.
The suffering of heartbreak is universal, but it is important to be aware that white people thrive during these trying times. If you play your cards right, you can parlay these moments into future favors and valuable trust.
The majority of white-person art is created after a difficult breakup; films, indie music, and poetry are all kicked into high production during the end of a relationship. This helps white people prepare for the pain that is coming.
Once breakup proceedings have been initiated, a white person immediately becomes the center of attention in their circle of friends. During this time they are permitted to talk at great length about themselves, listen to the Smiths, and get free dinners from friends who think, “They shouldn’t be alone right now.”
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