Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [30]
In a few years, if more white people start moving in, these initial trailblazers will sell their property for triple what they paid and move into an ultramodern home. Credibility or money; either way, they can’t lose!
When one of these white people tells you where they live, you should say, “Whoa, it’s pretty rough down there. I don’t think I could live there.” This will make them feel even better about their credibility and status as neighborhood pioneers.
74 Oscar Parties
One of the best places to gain a white person’s trust is at an Oscar party. An invitation to one of these parties is your “foot in the door.”
It is absolutely essential that you prepare in advance for the party. As you should know by now, white parties are never just about “showing up and having fun.” They require planning, preparation, and (in the case of the best parties) costume preparation. The first step for succeeding at an Oscar party is to get your language in order. You should never say “movie,” always say “film.” You should also familiarize yourself with which categories use the term “Best” and which use “Outstanding Achievement in.” Saying something like “I hope Atonement wins Best Art Direction” is a good way to guarantee you won’t be invited next year.
We briefly touched on the importance of costumes, which can take a good white party and make it great. Oscar parties are no exception, and if you are invited to a party with a dress code, it is imperative that you arrive in costume or you’ll make everyone else feel like a jerk.
Choosing a costume is fairly simple. It is always best to dress as a character from a nominated film. So for the 2008 Oscar party it might be best to put a pillow under your shirt and come as a pregnant teenager in tribute to Juno (but by no means should anyone bring an actual pregnant teenager). Dressing up as a character from a previous Oscar-winning film is also acceptable but seen as slightly less fun.
Though it may not have been stated on the invitation, white people love to apply their party theme to the entire event, including food. Even if they have no plans for themed food, you cannot lose by bringing something that ties into the ceremony. Again using Juno as an example, if you were to come to the party with jugs of SunnyD, it would highlight your keen observation of detail when it comes to watching films. Then the white people will see that you watch films the same way they do. Also be prepared to be involved in an Oscar pool, but make sure you don’t win. If you do, just say that you were lucky.
However, all of this preparation will mean nothing if you do not act correctly during the most important part of the night: when the nominees are read for Best Foreign Film. At this point someone will get angry and state that some movie that no one has heard of was snubbed. When this happens just nod and agree. Mention that it sounds interesting and that you will watch it tomorrow, even if you have already seen it and know that it’s boring.
Basically what separates Oscar night from other party nights is that it allows white people to express themselves through their tastes in film. If they see that you are someone who agrees with a majority of their opinions, then they will be your friends and provide you with ample opportunities to sip wine and attend film festivals together.
75 Threatening to Move to Canada
White people often get frustrated with the state of their country. They do not like the president, or Congress, or the health-care