Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [31]
For example, if you are watching TV with white people and there is a piece on the news that they do not agree with, they are likely to declare, “OK, that’s it, I’m moving to Canada.”
Though they will never actually move to Canada, the act of declaring that they are willing to undertake the journey is very symbolic in white culture. It shows that their dedication to their lifestyle and beliefs is so strong that they would consider packing up their entire lives and moving to a country that is only slightly different from the one they live in now. Within white culture, it is agreed upon that if Canada had better weather it would be a perfect place.
Be aware that this information can be used quite easily to gain the trust of white people. Whenever they say, “I’m moving to Canada,” you must immediately respond with “I have relatives in Canada.” They will then expect you to tell them about how Canada has a perfect health-care system, legalized everything, and no crime. Though not true, it will reassure them that they are making the right choice by saying they want to move there. But be warned, they will refer to you in future conversations and possibly call on you to settle disputes about Canadian tax rates. So use this advice only if you plan to do some basic research.
Note: Canadian white people threaten to move to Europe.
Note: Europeans are unable to threaten to move anywhere.
76 Bottles of Water
Water seems like a fairly simple concept. You turn on the tap, put a glass underneath, and drink. Sadly, it is not that simple for white people. On the whole, they are unable to put a glass under a tap and just drink. In fact, this is such a strange concept that the City of New York had to launch a rather large PR campaign to show white people that it was actually possible to drink the water that comes out of the tap!
Up until that point, white people were consuming most of their water in the form of expensive bottles of Fiji or Evian. To this day, many white people continue to get their water in this fashion, and it is important to be aware about how your choice of water can say a lot about who you are.
Logically, you would assume that drinking the most expensive premium bottled water (Fiji and Voss) would be enough to show the world that you are too good for tap water. And a few years ago you would have been right. But lately, advanced white people have been getting very upset about all the waste that comes with drinking 15 to 20 bottles per week.
Nowadays more advanced white people have started to use sturdier, refillable bottles. But do not assume this is from the tap. Most white people need to run their water through some sort of filter (Brita or PUR) before they put it into their bottles. This allows them to feel good about using a refillable bottle, but it also makes it more complicated, which they also like.
Previously, the gold standard was the Nalgene bottle, but recent studies have shown that the plastic can leak toxins into the water. Currently, white people on the cutting edge are really into metal bottles of water with twist caps. It is recommended that you buy one of these as soon as possible. Having one will give you precious leverage over any white person who is drinking from a plastic bottle. “Oh, bottled water? Really? I mean, it’s cool, but I kind of thought you cared about the Earth.” If you see someone drinking a Fiji water you have the opportunity to go in for the kill. “Do you know that your bottle of water has a bigger carbon footprint than me? I think they were originally going to call it Aboriginal Blood but that bottle was as close as they could get. You know, legally.”
Again, this should only be used in extreme situations.
Following your confrontation, the white person is likely to have a metal bottle just like yours. If this happens, there will be an implicit pact whereby they will do favors for you provided