Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [33]
It should also be noted that many white people are unable to acquire this furniture, but that does not mean you cannot use this information to your advantage. In situations where you need to improve your connection with a white person, just mention how you hope to be successful enough to one day afford an original piece of furniture by (insert obscurely named architect). If they have heard of the designer they will nod in agreement; if they have not, they will also nod in agreement and make a note to look it up later.
In either case, your status will rise.
80 The Idea of Soccer
Many white people will tell you that they are very into soccer. But be careful. It’s a trap.
If you then attempt to engage them about your favorite soccer team or talk about famous moments in soccer history, you are likely to be met with blank stares. This is because white people don’t actually enjoy watching soccer. They just like telling their friends that they are into it.
In fact, the main reason white people like soccer is so they can buy a new scarf. As you may or may not know, many soccer teams issue special scarves, and white people cannot get enough of them!
Most white people choose a favorite soccer team based on either a study-abroad experience or a particularly long vacation to Europe or South America. When they return, they like to tell their friends about how great “football” is and that they are committed to “getting more into it” now that they have returned home. Some white people take this charade so far as to actually play in adult soccer leagues or attend local professional matches.
The best method for exploiting this tendency is to ask a white person who their favorite football team is and how they came to be a fan. This will allow them to tell you about their time abroad and feel as though they have impressed you with their knowledge. Once they have finished talking, it is acceptable to ask for favors.
Note: European white people actually are into soccer and are exempt from this entry. However, they are free to use it to their advantage when in North America.
81 Graduate School
Being white means to engage in a day-in, day-out struggle to prove that you are smarter than other white people. By the time they reach college, most white people are confronted with the fact that they may not be as smart as they imagined.
In coffeeshops, bars, and classes white people will engage in conversations about authors and theorists that go nowhere as both parties start rattling off progressively more obscure people until eventually one side recognizes one and claims a victory. By the time they graduate (or a year or two afterward), white people realize that they will need an edge to succeed in the cutthroat world of modern white society.
That edge is graduate school.
Though professional graduate subjects like Law and Medicine are desirable, the true ivory tower of academia is most coveted, as it imparts true, useless knowledge. The best subjects are English, History, Art History, Film, Gender Studies, [insert nationality] Studies, Classics, Philosophy, Political Science, [insert European nationality] Literature, and the ultimate: Comp. Lit. MFAs are also acceptable.
Returning to school is an opportunity to join an elite group of people who have a passion for learning that is so great they are willing to forgo low-five-figure publishing and media jobs to follow their dreams of academic glory.
Being in graduate school satisfies many white requirements for happiness. They can believe they are helping the world, complain that the government/university doesn’t support them enough, claim they are poor, feel as though they are getting smarter, act superior to other people, enjoy perpetual three-day weekends, and sleep in every day of the week!
After acquiring a master’s degree that will