Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [34]
After this crisis, a white person will follow one of two paths. The first involves dropping out and moving to New York, San Francisco, or their original hometown, where they can resume the job that they left to attend graduate school. At this point, they can feel superior to everyone still in graduate school and say things like “A PhD is a testament to perseverance, not intelligence.” They can also impress their friends at parties by referencing Jacques Lacan or Slavoj Zizek in a conversation about American Idol.
The second path involves becoming a professor, moving to a small town, and telling the local residents how they are awful and uncultured.
It is important to understand that a graduate degree does not make someone smart, so do not feel intimidated. They may have read more, but in no way does that make them smarter, more competent, or more likable than you. The best thing you can do is to act impressed when a white person talks about critical theorists. This helps them reaffirm that what they learned in graduate school was important and that they are smarter than you. This makes white people easier to deal with when you get promoted ahead of them.
82 Hating Corporations
One of the more popular white-person activities of the past fifteen years has been attempting to educate others on the evils of multinational corporations. White people love nothing more than explaining to you how Wal-Mart, McDonald’s, Microsoft, or Halliburton is destroying the Earth’s cultures and resources.
While the growth of multinational corporations can be attributed to a number of complex social, economic, and political factors, many white people prefer to take the word of two trusted sources: No Logo and AdBusters.
No Logo, published in 2000, has been responsible for more white-person “enlightenment” than any book since the burning of the library at Alexandria. By reading this one magic book, white people are able to get a full grasp on the evils of multinational corporations and then regurgitate them to friends and family.
Advanced white people will supplement No Logo with a subscription to AdBusters, where they will learn how to subvert corporate culture and return it to the masses. Specifically, this means taking ads and redoing them to create a negative message about a product. Apparently the belief is that when other people see this ad, they will be hit with an epiphany that their entire existence has been a Matrix-style manufactured universe.
If you plan to engage in lengthy conversations or get high with white people it is recommended that you read No Logo or an issue of AdBusters. Failing that, it is acceptable to buy a copy to leave on your coffee table. When white people see it, they will recognize you as someone who can see through the advertising and has a proper perspective on life.
WARNING: When engaging in a conversation about corporate evils it is important to never, ever mention Apple computers, Target, or IKEA in the same breath as the companies mentioned earlier. White people prefer to hate corporations that don’t make stuff they like.
83 Bad Memories of High School
The most time-and cost-efficient way of gaining a white person’s trust and friendship is to talk to them about their high-school experience.
Virtually every white person you meet was a nerd in high school—that’s how they were able to get into a good arts program or law school. As such, their memories of high school are painful but not tragic, since they were able to eventually find success in the real world. Exploiting this information is your one-way ticket into the heart of a white person.
Your first priority must be to steer the conversation to the topic of high school, which