Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [35]
It is also acceptable to discuss how you were in love with a cool kid who never loved you back. For added effect, you can mention how said cool kid is now doing very poorly and that you are excited for the upcoming reunion.
If these first two points are not enough to gain an adequate level of trust, you can close the deal by saying, “I was the only [insert ethnicity] kid in Improv/on the paper/on the student council.” Wait for a sympathetic look and then you will know that you have forged an unbreakable and easily exploited bond.
For maximum effectiveness, this technique should be used in a social group setting where everyone can share their stories. By guiding the conversation, you will be seen as a natural and sympathetic leader. This can be easily exploited for professional and social gain.
Note: In the rare event that you meet a white person who was “cool” in high school, do not panic. There is a 100 percent chance that one of their other cool friends sold them out in a coup for control of their social circle. They will tell you all about it. Failing that, you can exploit the inherent guilt they feel about their treatment of nerds.
84 T-shirts
Many people and cultures view T-shirts as simple pieces of apparel that can be acquired cheaply and worn in casual situations. For white people, they are never that easy. The T-shirt is one of the most complex and expressive items in their entire wardrobe.
Your choice of casual wear says a lot about you. There are stringent rules and hierarchies associated with T-shirts that you must know before venturing into any white-dominated social situations.
T-shirts fall into three categories: vintage, new, and unacceptable, with the latter category comprising the bulk of the world’s supply. Within each category lies another, more precise subset of rules and rankings. This is complicated, make no mistake.
The most prized T-shirt category is vintage. As shown earlier, white people need authenticity like they need oxygen, and ownership of an original vintage T-shirt from the ’70s or ’80s is a very powerful social status symbol. The ideal shirt will have a funny logo, a year attached to it, and will be as thin as rice paper. In the event that two white people have shirts that meet these criteria, the superior ranking is given to the person who paid the least for the shirt. Acquiring a shirt at a vintage clothing store is seen as less respectable than sorting through racks at Goodwill.
The second category of T-shirt is new, and there really are only two options. The first is American Apparel, a company that constantly reminds you it is based in downtown Los Angeles. It is considered an acceptable white company since it produces things that are very simple but also very expensive. The second acceptable new shirt is Threadless. This Chicago-based company produces artistic and funny T-shirts that are acceptable for concerts, trips to Whole Foods, and ’80s night. White people like these shirts so much because they are designed by white people for white people. Sort of like a white FUBU.
Finally, and perhaps the most important to be aware of, is the unacceptable category of T-shirt. There are a few simple rules to follow in order to avoid wearing the wrong one. First, if it’s made of a stiff, thick cotton, throw it in the garbage immediately. White-people T-shirts must be made of the softest, finest organic cotton. This is law. Unless it is vintage, the shirt cannot be made in a foreign country (unless you can certify its labor conditions). The shirt cannot contain a current sports logo. Shirts with sports logos