Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [36]
It is also imperative to understand that faux vintage shirts (“Getting Lucky in Kentucky”) are completely unacceptable. They are beloved by the wrong kind of white people, and must be avoided at all costs.
This information is best applied when you are planning on attending a social gathering. Your T-shirt says a lot about you, and if it’s the right kind of shirt it will set white people at ease. Also, asking a white person, “Where did you get that shirt?” will allow them to tell you a detailed story about how they acquired it. This will enable them to assert the reason their shirt has a higher ranking than yours.
85 The Wire
Though white people have a natural aversion to TV, there are some exceptions. For white people to like a TV show it helps if it is critically acclaimed, low-rated, shown on premium cable, and/or available as a DVD box set.
The latter is important so that white people can order it from Netflix and tell their friends, “I’m really into [insert series] and I watched ten episodes in a row this weekend. I’m almost caught up.”
If you attempt to talk about an episode they have not seen yet, they will scream and cover their ears. In white culture, giving away information about a film or TV series is considered as rude as spitting on your mother’s grave. It is an unforgivable offense. Recent series that have fallen into this category include The Sopranos, Six Feet Under, and most recently The Wire.
For the past three years, whenever you say “The Wire,” white people are required to respond by saying “It’s the best show on television.” Try it the next time you see a white person! Though now they might say “It was the best show on television.”
So why do they love it so much? It all comes down to authenticity. A long time ago, someone started a rumor that when The Wire is on TV, actual police wires go quiet because all the dealers are watching the show. Though this is not true, it seems plausible enough to white people and has imbued the show with the needed authenticity to be deemed acceptable.
The popularity of this show among white people has created a unique opportunity for personal gain. If you need to impress a white person, tell them you are from Baltimore. They will immediately ask you about The Wire and how accurate it is. You should confirm that it is “like a documentary of the streets.” The white person will then slowly shake their head and say “Man” or “Wow.” You will be seen in an entirely new light.
If you are not from Baltimore but the white person you are talking to is, they might start asking you a lot of questions. In this situation, you should just say you left when you were young but you still have a lot of cousins there but you don’t like to go back to visit. This will remove all doubts and they can go back to telling you about how John from Accounting needs to “stop snitching” about their two-hour lunch breaks.
86 Shorts
One thing prized by white people is making the most of situations. They like to maximize opportunities for all that they are worth. This applies to jobs, vacations, investments, books, education, and perhaps most important, warm days.
After a prolonged cold snap, white people are very excited at the first hint of a warm day. It is their opportunity to go back outside, to enjoy nature and thrive. In order to get the most enjoyment possible out of these days, white people turn to one of their most trusted allies: shorts.
It is a known fact that white people believe they can cause spring to arrive early by wearing a pair of shorts on any day that is slightly above seasonal temperatures. This myth runs so deep that they will often wear shorts the following day when temperatures drop, at which point they will refuse to admit that it is cold.
When you encounter a cold white person in shorts it’s best to say, “I can’t wait until it’s warm enough to go windsurfing.