Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [37]
87 Outdoor Performance Clothes
As white people get older, they like to have clear boundaries between their professional and personal lives. They don’t mind talking about their personal life at work, but they hate talking about their work life when they are enjoying a weekend or vacation. But with BlackBerrys and laptops, white people could be working anywhere, at any time. So how do you know when they are off the clock? It’s easy: just check their clothes.
When white people aren’t working, they generally like to wear outdoor performance clothes. The top suppliers of these garments and accessories include North Face, REI, Mountain Equipment Co-Op, Columbia Sportswear, and Patagonia. When you see white people wearing these brands, it is important that you do not discuss business matters. Instead you should say things like “Where did you get that fleece?” and “What’s that thing holding your keys to your shorts?” White people will be more than happy to talk to you about their sustainably produced possessions.
The main reason white people like these clothes is that they allow them to believe that at any moment they could find themselves with a Thule rack on top of their car headed to a national park. It could be 4:00 P.M. on a Saturday when they might get the call: “Hey, man, you know what we need to do? Kayak then camping, right now. I’m on my way to get you. There is no time to change clothes.”
Though it is unlikely that they will ever receive this call, white people hate the idea of missing an opportunity to enjoy outdoor activities just because they weren’t wearing the right clothes.
If you plan on spending part of your weekend with a white person, it is strongly recommended that you purchase a jacket or some sort of “high-performance” T-shirt, which is like a regular shirt, just a lot more expensive.
88 Having Gay Friends
If white people could draft friends the way that the NFL drafts prospects it would go like this: black friends, gay friends, and then all other minorities would be drafted based on need and rarity in the region.
When choosing gay friends, white people like to base their decision on their own needs and requirements. Younger white people tend to prefer young, social gay people. This is their all-important ticket into nightclubs and parties.
When straight people go to a gay nightclub, they are reminded of how progressive and tolerant they are. If they are hit on by a member of the same sex, it provides them with a valuable story that they can use to prove to their other friends that they are more progressive and tolerant. “This guy/girl hit on me, I said I was ‘straight but not narrow,’ and it was totally chill. Oh, you went to an Irish bar this weekend? That’s cool, I guess.”
Older white people prefer to be friends with gay parents because it enables their children to experience much-needed diversity with people who are, for all intents and purposes, exactly the same as them.
It is also worth noting that a gay friendship of any sort allows white people to feel as though they are a part of the gay rights movement. While white people love being a part of any movement, the gay movement is especially important to them because they can blend in at rallies and protests and spend an afternoon feeling the sting of oppression.
Gay friends are an essential part of a white person’s all-star diversity roster. But white people are always on the lookout for the ultimate friend: a gay minority. Above all, it is generally accepted that a gay black friend with a child is considered a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity—like a quarterback who can pass, run, kick, and play linebacker. White people will crawl over each other for the opportunity to claim this person as a friend and add them to their roster of diversity.
Once a white person has told you about their gay friends, it is recommended that you say “I wish more people were like you” every few months. This will allow them to feel good about their progressive choice of friends and remind them that they