Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [40]
Fortunately, there is a foolproof method for quickly returning the conversation to a positive, trust-building tone. No matter how much you have offended someone from San Francisco, you can always make them feel better by asking how they feel about Southern California. They will instantly talk of how it is filled with crime, pollution, hegemonic culture, and the wrong kind of white people: “I swear California is like two separate countries. I am so thankful that I live in the cultural center of the West Coast.” This will allow them to reassert their superiority and leave the conversation with a positive feeling about themselves and about you.
92 Music Piracy
White people have always been renowned for having ridiculously large music collections. So when file sharing gave white people a chance to acquire all the music they ever wanted, they felt as though it was an earned right and not a privilege.
When (not if) you see a white male with a full iPod, ask him if all of his music is legal. If he does not immediately launch into a diatribe about his right to pirate music, you might have to nudge him a bit by saying, “Do you think that’s right?” The response will be immediate and uniform. He will likely rattle off statistics about how most musicians don’t make any money from albums, that it all comes from touring and merchandise. So by attending shows, he is able to support the musicians while simultaneously striking a blow against multinational corporations. He will proceed to walk you through the process of how record labels are set up to reward the corporation and fundamentally rob the artist of their rights, royalties, and creativity. Prepare to hear the name Steve Albini a lot.
Advanced white people will also talk about how their constant downloading of music makes them experts who can properly recommend bands to friends and co-workers, thus increasing revenues and exposure. So, in fact, their “illegal” activities are the new lifeblood of the industry.
When they have finished talking, you must choose your next words wisely. It is considered rude to point out the simple fact that they are still getting music for free. Instead you should say, “Wow, I never thought of it like that. You know a lot about the music industry. What bands are you listening to right now? Who is good?” This sentence serves two functions: it helps to reassure the white person that they are your local “music expert,” something they prize. Also, it lets them feel as though they have convinced you that their activities are part of a greater social cause and not simple piracy.
If you bring up this issue with a white person who says, “Nah, bro, I don’t give a shit, Dave Matthews has enough money as it is,” you are likely dealing with the wrong kind of white person.
In the even rarer situation where someone says, “It’s all paid for, and it’s all transferred from vinyl,” you have found an expert-level white person and must tread carefully.
Because of the availability of music online, a very strict social hierarchy has been created within white culture whereby someone with a large MP3 collection is considered “normal,” a large CD collection is considered to be “better,” and a person with a large vinyl collection is recognized as “elite.” These elite white people abhor the fact that music piracy has made their B-sides, live performances, and bootlegs available to the masses. Their entire life’s work has been stripped of its rarity in terms of both object and sound on the record. The best thing you can say to them is “Vinyl still sounds better.”
However, it is recommended that you do not let this conversation drag on much longer. If you let them continue, they are likely to spend hours talking to you about bands you’ve never heard of and to provide you with a weekly mix CD of rarities that you do not want.
93 Rugby
If you’ve been in a white person’s apartment or home you might have noticed a ball that looks like a cross between an egg and a football. It is a