Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [41]
They love rugby for a number of reasons, the first of which is the fact that it is not very popular in North America. In fact, it is even less popular than soccer, which gives a white person that all-important edge in the contest to see who likes the most obscure sport. Though this is important, it is not the real reason why white people love the sport so much.
Rugby’s greatest appeal lies in its uniforms. Unlike other sports, where jerseys are made out of nylon or mesh, rugby jerseys are like thick sweatshirts with collars! In fact, there is no other jersey on earth that can move so seamlessly from the playing field to the farmer’s market.
Many white people first acquire a love of rugby during their high school and college years by playing either for a school team, or in the case of highly advanced white people, part of an intramural league. In fact, many white people will continue to play the sport into their early thirties at local parks on Saturday mornings. If you are looking to expand your group of white friends, you would be wise to get yourself invited to one of these games. However, you should be prepared to have your crotch grabbed.
Though playing the sport is the most common way for white people to become interested in rugby, a great number of them pick up a taste for the game while studying abroad in Australia or New Zealand. Like soccer, it gives them the chance to purchase a scarf of their adopted team, but more important, they can acquire a rugby jersey. Unlike a soccer scarf, this garment can be worn all year long, which provides for a more reliable trinket that can be used to initiate conversations about their time down under. For extra credit, some white people will declare that they are into Australian Rules football and not rugby. If you wish to befriend this person, it’s best to ask them about the differences in rules, because they will be thrilled to tell you.
Aside from playing the game with white people, there is one other surefire way to use rugby for your personal gain. If you have determined that the white person you are talking to prefers rugby over soccer, it is strongly advised that you say, “You know, American football players might be bigger, but rugby players are so much tougher.” Their response will be to tell you about how football players are weak because they wear pads. This will be followed by a knowing nod or wink in your direction and an invitation to join them for a game on the weekend.
94 New Balance Shoes
Because white-people tastes in shoes can change so quickly, it’s not recommended that you ever talk to one about shoes. Over the years they have embraced (and eventually disowned) Uggs, Birkenstocks, Earth Shoes, and, most recently, Crocs. If a brand is popular, the chances are that the clock is ticking down to its imminent doom. One mention of your affinity for such footwear could undo all your hard work.
There is, however, one exception: New Balance running shoes. All white people own a pair! Seriously, the next time you are at a casual party where guests are encouraged to take off their shoes, take a look by the door at the veritable rainbow of New Balance sneakers.
But why do white people love them so uniformly? It is pretty simple, really. A few years ago it came out that Nike (and other manufacturers) were producing their shoes in Asian sweatshops and then selling them for a very high profit margin. White people were outraged; they generally prefer that children in developing nations first finish high school before working in shoe-producing sweatshops. Otherwise they might look foolish when their co-workers are talking about The Catcher in the Rye.
This enormous guilt over child labor meant that white people started to stop wearing Nike shoes. Subsequently, they were left to find a company that used fair labor practices to make shoes for the sports that they loved most: jogging, hiking, cross-country running, marathons, walking, and being seen in retro sneakers.
With factories in New England