Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [42]
When you meet a person wearing New Balance shoes it is a good idea to ask about the marathon for which they are inevitably training. If they say, “I’m not training for a marathon,” this is a good opportunity to raise your status by saying, “Oh, I thought only runners wore those. My running club all wear New Balance except for a few jerks who won’t shut up about Asics. I’m still a bit sore from the ten-K run this morning.”
This is an extremely effective move, since white people who jog are generally viewed as being better than white people who don’t. Although perhaps it’s more accurately stated that white people who jog feel the need to constantly prove they are better than white people who don’t.
Note: It is considered a legendary white-male move to play basketball in a pair of New Balance. Lots of layups.
95 Beards
The popularity of beards with white people can fluctuate depending on the decade, but it always maintains a level of respectability regardless of current styles. Beards have been in fashion with white people since the dawn of white people. However, for research purposes, the modern white beard emerged at the same time as the modern white person: the ’60s.
Over the next twenty years the beard would be strongly adopted by both rock stars and professors. For a white person, these are two of the most respected professions, so the ability to resemble either is seen as a very desirable trait.
By the ’80s thick beards started to fall slightly out of favor and were limited mostly to graduate students and hobos, with the latter often having neater and better maintained facial hair. It was during this time that Don Johnson perfected the stubble look, which is like a regular beard but cut in such a way as to look like you haven’t shaved for a few days. It was a success with white people since it was another case of having to do a lot of work to look like you didn’t do any.
The ’90s were not kind to beards, and the few practitioners were often white high school seniors who were into classic rock and “being wacky.” Some would continue the beard into college, but they were the exception and not the rule.
At some point during the early part of the twenty-first century, white people discovered that the combination of a beard and thick-framed glasses (see #140, Glasses) was a solid white look that showed individuality, musical taste, and a rich educational pedigree. Bearded white males have had much social success in recent years, as their facial hair says, “Look at me. I am manly enough to grow this beard, yet I wear glasses, which shows my intellectual and sensitive side. I wear plaid, which shows I’m down with the people, but I also have expensive jeans, which shows that I have taste. I am the perfect male with whom to engage in a one-to-two-year relationship that might include living together. Allow me to buy you a Pabst.” They are pretty much unstoppable.
In fact, the only white person who can top a bearded male is a white person who has grown ironic facial hair. These are the elite. They grow mustaches in various guises to show that they are so out of style that they are actually cooler than you. If one of these males is interested in the same person as you, it’s best to back off. They call their own shots.
However, the ones with ironic facial hair make up only a small fraction of white people. The beards are still the most common and cohesive group.
Meeting a white male with a beard can be quite an experience. A good way to break the ice is to say, “I find that people with beards often grow them because they are hiding something. Is that the case with you?” The white person will laugh, and if they are interested in you romantically they will cleverly