Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [43]
If they respond by asking you questions about what you’ve heard in regard to their secrets as they clutch a black notebook, you are probably talking with a person who has a beard because they forgot to shave for six months.
96 Having Children in Their Late Thirties
Of the white people who want to have children, virtually all of them believe that they will be parents between the ages of 35 and 40.
Raising a white child is not easy, and it requires an exceptional amount of money and paraphernalia. Because of this, white people believe that it is impossible to properly raise children in their twenties. This period of their life is generally devoted to living in a big city, finding a spouse, starting a career, and purchasing their first piece of residential property.
By the time white people have entered their late thirties, they have often acquired enough capital to afford a larger property in an acceptable neighborhood (suburbs are acceptable, but frowned upon), tuition for a private school, and the series of accessories and specialists needed to ensure that the formative years of their white child will ensure future success and acceptance into an excellent university.
It is also universally recognized within white culture that the late thirties represents the time when personal journeys of self-discovery and therapy have reached a point where a white person is in the right frame of mind to raise a child.
If you encounter a white person who is trying to produce a child in their late thirties and is having some difficulty, it is very important that you never ever mention that it might be due to their trying to have children so late in life. Some better suggestions include “Did you smoke when you were younger?” or “How long have you been eating organic-only food?”
However, there are some exceptions to this rule. In recent years, a number of white women have become obsessed with the idea of being “hot moms” and are having children in their late twenties so that they can check it off the life list of accomplishments and return to their journey of personal discovery.
97 Red Hair
White people with red hair are one of the rarest types of white people that you can encounter. Their hair color was created by a northern European mutation that will likely be extinct in the next hundred years. Enjoy them while you can!
The role that red hair plays in white culture is not necessarily essential to understanding white people, but it is helpful. Aside from the obvious fact that white people have red hair, it occupies an interesting place of envy, mockery, and heritage.
White people associate red hair with Irish roots, and allows redheads to constantly remind others that they have an “ethnic” heritage.
For white women red hair is seen as being highly desirable, with 1980s Molly Ringwald and Julianne Moore being the most popular redheaded heroines. Virtually every white woman you encounter will be able to tell you a story about how they have dyed or plan to dye their hair red at some time. This is because red hair is seen as both natural and not mainstream, two things that are highly coveted by all white people.
There are few positives for white men with red hair. They actually spend the majority of their lives dealing with the drawbacks of having red hair. These challenges emerge first during childhood, when it is common practice for white people to tease redheaded children (especially those with freckles). It is for this reason that all white people love any joke with the punchline “like a redheaded stepchild.”
For example, when talking to a white person about an upcoming sporting event, try saying, “We are going to beat that other team like a redheaded stepchild.” You will likely receive either a laugh or a knowing nod that you share their sense of humor.
In a situation where you need to befriend a white person, though it might be a bit presumptuous,