Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [44]
98 Noam Chomsky
If it were possible to dole out white sainthood, Noam Chomsky would certainly be one of the first people to receive the honor, along with Michael Stipe and Conan O’Brien.
Though Chomsky has long been a hero to white people for his work in linguistics, he entered into the rarefied air of white history with the publication of Manufacturing Consent: The Political Economy of the Mass Media (1988), co-written with Edward Herman. It is universally recognized in white culture as one of the key sources of all knowledge about the media and the power structure of the United States.
It is strongly recommended that you read this book, but remember, you do not need to read the entire book in order to impress white people. For maximum results with minimum effort, it is advised that you closely read one chapter and then quote directly from it whenever you are given the chance.
When you feel as though you are very comfortable with that chapter, you can move on to the advanced activity of telling a white person that they have “a rather basic understanding of Chomsky.” They will likely fight back, trying to save face by refuting your claim, but stand your ground. So long as you appear unshakable in your stance that they are wrong, they will back down. This is because deep down, white people are petrified that their understanding of cultural theorists is flawed.
Note: This method of reading a single chapter and posing as an expert will work with any theorist, the more obscure the better.
99 Non-Motorized Boating
White people often find their greatest moments of happiness near or in bodies of water. Rather than simply splash around and enjoy the day, they often seek out as many activities as possible that can enhance their water experience. Though swimming is an old favorite, few white people are willing to take vacations just for the opportunity to swim. No, when white people need to really enjoy the water, they get in a boat.
For white people, boating is like being able to camp on the water: you get to spend a lot of time either alone or with a few close friends, you have very little food, you might need to be rescued, and there is a reasonable chance that you might die at the hands of Nature.
The type of boat enjoyed by a white person can vary greatly by location and attitude. For example, white people who live near an ocean traditionally enjoy sailing, those near rivers prefer kayaking and rafting, and those near lakes generally enjoy rowboats and canoes. However, these are only preferences, and it is possible for any white person in any given location to enjoy one or all of these activities. Boats with motors are considered to be too popular with the wrong kind of white people and as such are not considered to be of any real value.
When you find out which type of boating a white person enjoys, your first instinct will be to search for some way to bring it up in conversation so that they will begin to trust you. But be absolutely careful: if you ask too many questions about boating, you are likely to be asked to join them “on the water sometime.” This is your one-way ticket to being trapped with them for hours with no escape and an expectation that you will row/paddle/help with the sails.
100 The Boston Red Sox
Though many would argue that the Chicago Cubs (see #30, Wrigley Field) are the top club for white people, the Boston Red Sox remain the undisputed white franchise. In fact, were it not for the players, there would be no recorded instances of a person of color wearing a Boston Red Sox jersey.
White people love the Red Sox for a number of very important reasons, one of which is the fact that they play in Fenway Park, one of baseball’s oldest and most iconic stadiums.