Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [45]
Though they are officially named the Boston Red Sox, the team is beloved by all of New England, including the popular white-people states of Maine, Vermont, and New Hampshire. This gives them more white coverage than any other franchise in baseball, beating out the Seattle Mariners.
Sadly, in 2004 the Boston Red Sox won the World Series and in the process lost something more highly prized by white people than success: character. Prior to that date the franchise was afflicted with the “Curse of the Bambino,” brought on when a cheap owner sold Babe Ruth to the Yankees in 1920. The loss was a great one for white people, who for almost a century would tell it to anyone who would listen.
When dealing with a Red Sox fan, it is not hard to start a pleasant conversation. Just mention the team and they will likely tell you stories about how much they love the Red Sox and how the team used to break their heart every year. In fact the only ways you can upset a Red Sox fan are by mentioning that you like the Yankees or that they were the last Major League franchise to integrate. But mentioning you like the Yankees is still worse.
101 Scarves
White people’s body temperatures do not operate on logical or consistent principles, and because of this white people are often forced to wear clothing combinations that may seem strange or illogical. One popular example is the performance vest, which solves the age-old problem of cold chest/hot arms. Another common combination is shorts and a sweatshirt, which helps bring about comfort when your upper body is chilly but your lower half is sweltering. But without a doubt, the one piece of clothing that helps to regulate white body temperature in all situations is the scarf.
During winter months, it’s no surprise to find white people all bundled up with scarves around their necks—it just makes sense. But even as the weather warms up and the other layers start to fall off, the scarf remains.
It is not uncommon to see a white person in jeans, a sweater, and a scarf. In fact, it’s not a rare occurrence to see a white person in a T-shirt, jeans, and a scarf. That’s right: a thin cotton T-shirt paired with a scarf to enable maximum temperature control in bars and places with air-conditioning.
But not all white people wear the scarves for temperature reasons. A well-made scarf can be an essential part of a white person’s ensemble, allowing for the all-important differentiation from other white people wearing the exact same clothes, and thus enabling one to be picked out of a crowd for dating or mocking purposes.
“I like the guy with the glasses in the white American Apparel shirt.”
“Which one? There are eight.”
“The guy with the kaffiyeh.”
“Oh yeah, you’re right. He does look smarter and more political than the other guys. He’s clearly more sensitive to wind, so he’s probably more sensitive in general. You should totally date him.”
In addition to making up a key part of the white person’s wardrobe, scarves also function as a vital pillar of the white gift economy. Knitted scarves can be created with relative ease, so many white people (especially women) like to knit them for friends and lovers. For this reason alone, if you find yourself needing a new scarf but not a long-term relationship, dating a white woman might be the easiest and most cost-effective solution.
102 Cleanses
In many cultures when someone does not eat any food for days and survives only on a mixture of water, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup they are said to be in the midst of a “famine.” But when a white person does it, they are in the midst of a “cleanse.”
When white people are unable to blame their parents for their problems, they blame food additives. In fact, whenever a white person is feeling tired or depressed it is almost always linked to some sort of preservative in the food they eat. When this happens to a white person who only eats