Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [46]
The only solution is to undergo a cleanse, whereby a white person will spend more than ten days consuming only a liquid mixture of water, lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup. During this process they will tell you how much more energy they have and how great they feel. They are also likely to mention how their common ailments (pimples, back pain, insomnia) have all magically disappeared.
White people generally believe that these cleanses are a lot like doing a clean reinstall of the operating system on your computer: you get rid of the things you don’t want and you have a brand-new chance to start over and use only open-source or web-based software. In both cases you eventually slip back into bad habits and are likely to lose a few things you actually needed along the way.
Unfortunately the more “open” white people are likely to tell you exactly what has come out of them during the cleansing process: “Black liquid, like concentrated evil!” or “It looked like pantyhose filled with sausage.” They will also tell you how their body is breaking down and passing all the toxins of the past six months or year.
If you are roped into one of these conversations, it’s important you understand that white people are just looking to be told that they are being very healthy, or at least healthier than you. As such, the best response is to say, “Wow, I wish I had the willpower. I’m probably going to die at forty-five.” This will reaffirm that they are healthier than you and are more likely to live forever.
103 Self-Deprecating Humor
Every white person you meet thinks they are smarter than everyone they know. Because of this, there is nothing they hate more than someone who outwardly tries to prove that fact. Instead, they much prefer when people make jokes about themselves in an attempt to appear outwardly inferior. Within white culture, the ability to laugh at yourself is considered on par with your ability to recommend restaurants. In other words, it’s very important.
As with so many other things on this list, it’s another situation where white people are able to score a double victory. Often, by putting themselves down they are also secretly insulting the person they are speaking to. For example, when white people attempt to put themselves down by making a joke around working too hard and not having a social life, they are saying that anyone who does have a social life is probably working less than them. If a white person is a self-proclaimed “nerd,” all jokes around the topic are essentially their opportunity to say that they are smarter than you.
On the issue of money, if white people make jokes about not having any money, they are secretly criticizing those with money for not trying to be an artist or working for a nonprofit organization.
Within modern white society, this type of humor is considered essential for any sort of romantic success. When a white male says, “I’m so bad with girls, I think the Unabomber gets more girls than me. Do you remember that guy? I’ll bet he at least gets letters in jail.” If the woman he is talking to is even slightly interested, she will be drawn to him. White women prize the idea of a man who is confident enough to make jokes at his own expense. If she is not attracted to him, he can still win because she will want to set him up with other women who like men who make fun of themselves. He cannot lose.
Before you dive headfirst into the world of self-deprecating humor, it’s important that you only make fun of things about you that don’t really bother you. Making self-deprecating jokes about your family’s history of lung cancer or your battle against painkiller addiction should only be done around expert-level white people. If done around regular-level white people, you will likely be considered a “weird downer.”
On the whole, a good understanding of how to best put yourself down is essential to success in modern white situations.
104 Integrity
White people value nothing more in their musicians,