Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [47]
“Selling out” is when an artist succeeds to the point where they are paid for their work and are exposed to a larger audience. This creates two big problems for a white person, the most immediate of which is the fact that this artist will now be enjoyed by a diverse group of people, including the wrong kind of white people. There is literally nothing more hated by white people.
Second, it serves as a reminder to the white person that he or she is not an artist. When white people like an artist who is not successful, they can enjoy the work knowing that they have more money and stability. They have made the more mature decision. When one of these artists succeeds and finds more money, it is a painful reminder of the sacrifice they made when they were younger. So when one of these artists succeeds, the only recourse that a white person has is to say “They sold out.”
When a white person says this around you, it is important that you do not say, “I wish we all had the integrity to be an associate copywriter. It takes guts.” Instead, it’s recommended that you either relate a story about an artist you used to like, or move the conversation toward a discussion about what you would do if you were offered the opportunity to sell out. If you are eager to impress this white person, say that you would take the money, then allow the white person to tell you how they would never put a dollar sign on their art. This will provide them much-needed comfort as they begin the long process of finding a new obscure artist to temporarily enjoy.
105 Pretending to Be a Canadian When Traveling Abroad
There are bits of advice that are universally distributed by white people: “Eat organic,” “Follow your dreams,” “Buy property.” But perhaps the one tip that all white people will pass on at some point is “Sew a Canadian flag on your backpack.”
The years following World War II have not been kind to the reputation of Americans. Often they are seen as boorish, loud, obnoxious, and uncultured. As such, they are seen as unworthy of proper service and access to the “most authentic” parts of a country.
At some point in the past twenty years, some American white people abroad likely saw a local yelling at another white person. After a few minutes the person pointed to their “Roots” shirt and the flag on their backpack and said, “But I’m Canadian,” whereupon the local’s frown was turned upside-down. The Canadian was then granted access to some sort of secret restaurant where they were served food that was so fresh, so local, and so authentic that it would be impossible to re-create anywhere else on Earth. This gave the Americans an idea. They sewed Canadian flags on their backpacks and watched the world open up to them.
The solution was perfect, since pretending to be Canadian required only a slight accent tweak (if any) and passing knowledge of a Canadian city. The latter was, and still is, far more difficult. Since that fateful time, anytime an American white person goes abroad they are likely to have a friend or relative tell them, “Pretend you’re Canadian.”
It also provides you with the best opportunity to earn the friendship of a white person. As soon as you find out that they are taking an extended vacation through Europe, Asia, or South America, go online and purchase a Canadian flag patch. Give this patch to the white person and you are sure to be included on mass e-mails and will likely receive some sort of trinket when they return.
Note: Canadian white people are given Canadian flag patches when they apply for their passports.
106 The Criterion Collection
When a white person asks about your favorite film, you are really being asked whether or not you have taste. The second you open your mouth and mention a title, they will immediately pass judgment on you.
Choosing