Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [48]
You might have noticed that many films are released in a regular edition and a Criterion Collection version. The latter is almost always more expensive, contains special features, and is conveniently packaged in a different way, which enables its owner to more easily display their superior knowledge of film.
If you tell a white person that you have recently purchased a DVD, nothing can deflate them faster than telling them you got the regular edition.
“I just bought Rear Window!”
“Criterion Collection?”
“No, the regular one.”
“Oh.”
Watch as their face drops along with their opinion of you. The only way to gain back their respect is to continually ask to borrow their Criterion copy of movies that you already own. This reminds them that they are more “into film” than you are, and you need them to help you figure out the correct way to entertain yourself.
107 Natural Childbirth
The early years of a white person are exceptionally important. The severity and frequency of problems during this era can be directly tied to the amount of therapy and counseling required later in life. Because of this, white people are trying to do whatever they can to keep their children natural and happy, and this begins at birth.
In spite of thousands of years of human history, white people like to believe that they are the first person ever to have a child. Or at least the first to have a truly gifted, beautiful child. For white people, birthing is now a spiritual experience that must be treated appropriately. This means candles, water, doulas, and relaxing music. Modern white birth is essentially an extreme yoga class with more screaming, and it only ends when a child pops out.
This also means that the birth should take place without the aid of pain-relief drugs. It is essential that white children are born into a completely drug-free environment. This ensures that they will have a more powerful experience when they start taking drugs in high school.
When the birth is complete, everyone is left with a child, the smell of incense, self-satisfaction, and a placenta. Normally everything but the placenta will remain, but in recent years white people have started the interesting practice of eating this piece of afterbirth. Though theoretically this is cannibalism, many white people view it as the best in organic food. This is because during pregnancy white women will not eat sushi, drink alcohol, smoke, dye their hair, or engage in any other activities that might endanger the child. The result is an allegedly delicious, organic, grainfed placenta. It is unknown whether it is acceptable for vegans to eat this.
After learning that a white person is pregnant, it is a good idea to provide a list of recipes for placenta. Even if they do not plan to eat the placenta, they will view you as progressive and open to new things. If you can fake a recipe from your own culture, it is a certainty that the white person will use it, even if they were not planning on it. Other acceptable gifts include candles, a baby sling, and/or a Nature Sounds CD.
108 High School English Teachers
Though white parents do a good job of introducing their children to culture, literature, and creative writing, they can only take them so far before the inevitable rebellion sets in at 12 or 13. At this point, the parents must hand off their child to a high school English teacher, who is responsible for educating the child in literature, art, creative writing, and New York City.
Many white people will have up to four different high school English teachers during high school, so how do they choose the