Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [49]
The high school English teacher is instrumental in leading white people toward arts degrees and eventually careers in law, nonprofit, and media, or as high school English teachers. The latter course represents the “white circle of life.”
The importance of high school English teachers goes far beyond everyday life. They have inspired such classic films as Freedom Writers, Dangerous Minds, and Dead Poets Society. In fact, white people are so convinced that teaching high school English can make a difference that the U.S. government created “Teach for America” to accommodate the overwhelming demand from white people to teach underprivileged children about the importance of Faulkner.
But how is this information of any use in day-to-day dealing with white people? Its value is twofold. First, white people who are unhappy with their jobs will often say they wish to go to graduate school or to teach high school English. So whenever a white person is complaining to you about their job, giving them the advice to become a high school English teacher is always welcomed and appreciated. But most important, you can use this as an easy way to determine what type of white person you are dealing with. If you ask, “Who was your favorite teacher in high school?” and they respond “My gym teacher,” then you are dealing with the wrong type of white person. If they say “math” or “science” you should investigate further to see if you are actually speaking with a white person.
109 Native Wisdom
We’ve already seen how white people love religions that their parents don’t belong to, but that doesn’t mean that they will only take life advice from that religion. White people all seek wisdom from anyone who is from a different culture. For over fifty years, the undisputed champion of wisdom has been the Native American.
White people are loath to convert to any set of beliefs that fails to blend in with modern furniture, so they will rarely align themselves as Native American. However, they do appreciate the tips and advice passed on by Native American elders.
This advice is considered to be particularly powerful to white people who claim to have Native American ancestry. “The parable of the wolf and the hawk is particularly applicable to me since I’m one thirty-second Cherokee. It has really helped me to resolve the issues I’ve been having with my friend over whether or not it’s ethically acceptable to eat vegan food cooked in pots that have touched meat. I am at one with him now.”
If a white person ever tries to pass on Native wisdom to you, it is best that you nod in agreement. If they have Native ancestry, it’s advised that you ask them a few questions about it.
110 Trying Too Hard
If you like something—anything—there is a 100 percent chance that there is a white person out there who likes it more than you. It doesn’t matter what it is—Mandarin, sushi, marijuana, African music, hip-hop, television, Madagascar, or jai alai.
It is widely accepted that all white people feel the need to be an expert on something. Most white people will be satisfied with being recognized as the expert among their friends, but there are others who need to take it to an entirely different level. Encountering one of these people can be a jarring experience, and if you do not handle the situation just right you can quickly lose their friendship, or worse, appear arrogant to a group of white people.
The story is always the same. You will be in a group of people and casually mention something like “I really like Jimi Hendrix,” then out of the corner of the room you will hear “What’s your favorite album?” Just as you are preparing to give your answer, the person who asked will jump in with a rapid-fire series of