Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [50]
In the rare instance where you feel as though your knowledge is on par, do not, under any circumstance, engage them. You cannot win.
111 Portland, Oregon
Portland, Oregon, is essentially a Lord of the Flies scenario with white people in the Pacific Northwest instead of children in the South Pacific. In both cases, we have a situation whereby a homogenous group of people is left alone in an area with no one to keep them in check. Eventually the euphoria and self-congratulation devolves into savagery and murder.
Statistically, Portland, Oregon, is the whitest metropolis in the United States, and unsurprisingly, it’s also the most bike-friendly, vegan-friendly, GLBT-friendly city in America.
The low rents have made it highly desirable to freelance designers and artists, who no longer have to work 40-hour weeks to afford their lofts. Instead, they can use the rest of their time to focus on their art, check e-mail at local coffeeshops, and go to indie rock shows at the Crystal Ballroom.
But the appeal of Portland goes beyond the young. With affordable real estate prices, it attracts white people with children from Los Angeles, New York, Austin, Chicago, Boston, and San Francisco in droves. Each of them brings their own unique heritage, modern furniture, Prius, and recipe for vegetarian chili.
The city is expanding its bike lanes, adding to its light rail service, and registering more and more Democrats, and it is thriving. On the Lord of the Flies timeline, Portland has not reached the stage where they smash Piggy’s glasses, but there is a strong likelihood that the city will have mass riots and murder when the local grocery co-op runs out of organic wild salmon.
This knowledge is important, because whenever a white person complains about their city, you should always say, “Have you thought about moving to Portland?” This will comfort them as they tell you their plan to move there in a few years. But unless you make it clear that you are moving there to open some sort of ethnic restaurant, do not tell them that you plan to join them in the Rose City. It will make them uncomfortable.
112 Free Health Care
In spite of having access to the best health insurance and fanciest hospitals, white people are passionate about the idea of socialized medicine, so much so that they have memorized statistics and examples of how for-profit medicine has destroyed the United States.
Before you can exploit this information for personal gain, it’s important that you understand why white people are so in love with free health care.
The first and most obvious reason is “They have it in Europe.” White people love all things European, and this is especially true of things that are unavailable in the United States (rare beers, absinthe, legal marijuana, prostitution, soccer). The fact that it’s available in Canada isn’t really that impressive, but it does contribute to their willingness to threaten to move there.
These desires were only heightened in 2007 when Michael Moore released Sicko, a documentary that contrasts the health-care industry in the United States with those of Canada, France, and Cuba. As a general rule of thumb, white people are always extra passionate about issues that have been the subject of a Moore documentary. As a test, ask them about 9/11, gun control, or health care and then say, “Where did you get that information?” You will not be surprised at the results.
But the secret reason all white people love socialized medicine is that they love the idea of receiving health care without having a full-time job. This would