Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [52]
Conversely, this information can be used to raise your status at the expense of another white person. Prior to meeting them, read one article in The New Yorker, paying extra attention to the end of the article (the part that is continued in the back). When you meet the white person, attempt to engage them about this part of the article and ask them questions. Be prepared for the white person to lie or try to change the subject. Do not give up.
When it finally becomes obvious that they have not read it, try to be apologetic and pretend as though you honestly thought they had read it and you didn’t mean to call them out. This will show the rest of the group that you are kind but also smarter than the person you just burned.
115 Non-American News Sources
White people love to talk about the news. It is an excellent way for them to show off how knowledgeable they are about current affairs. If you plan on spending large amounts of time with white people you will be expected to have some understanding of current events and strong opinions about them. Of course, you will be expected to initiate and back up your salient points with evidence from a reputable news source.
News sources are ranked on a strict hierarchy, and your choice in the matter can be the difference between respect and mockery. Generally speaking, foreign news sources cannot be topped in terms of quality and status. The British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) is the gold standard since it’s foreign, available on PBS, and focused strictly on international news (always the best). If a white person starts talking about a “piece they saw on the BBC about Sumatra,” it can be almost impossible to trump them. However, there is an ace in the hole that should only be used in emergencies—when respect and status lie in the critical balance.
If you can properly cite a foreign news source in a foreign language you will be viewed in the highest regard. “Oh, that piece on the BBC was good, but I saw this amazing story on TV5/RTL/RAI/NHK that really opened my eyes on the subject. I have to pay an extra fifteen dollars a month for the channel, but it really is worth it. It’s one of the few ways I can keep up my French/German/Italian/Japanese in this country.”
A white person might respond by saying they do not own a TV, but that is essentially a last-ditch effort to save face.
A final note: If you do need to cite an American news source, CNN and MSNBC are acceptable, though not encouraged. Major networks such as ABC, NBC, and CBS are fairly neutral, although mentioning local news will speak poorly of your intelligence. Most important, if you even mention Fox News you will have lost respect and credibility to such a high degree that you might have to move.
In fact, it is a good idea to tell white people that you have called your cable company and asked it to remove Fox News from your programming package, and that it was done at a considerable cost.
116 Subtitles
We already know that film is very important to the cultural development of white people. So when you are talking to them about films, it’s essential to understand a few rules.
The simplest rule to follow is that every foreign film is good. Amazingly, in the history of cinema, the only truly awful films ever produced have been in English. Any film that features subtitles is regarded as excellent since it is produced outside of the “Hollywood system,” and therefore is more free to delve into real issues of modern life and unbridled artistic expression. There are no exceptions.
Be aware that if white people know your nation of ancestry, they will expect you to be familiar with the films of that nation. This has created a heavy burden on Asian people, especially the Chinese and Japanese. If you are able to recommend a film or director that is particularly obscure, a white person will immediately count you among their closest friends—but be prepared for when they get the director’s entire catalog from Netflix and want to talk