Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [53]
The best way to use this knowledge to your advantage is if you are trying to create a romantic relationship with a white person. Scan the paper for the foreign films playing at your local art-house theater, and suggest it as a possible date. The white person will be unable to turn you down, as rejecting you would be rejecting foreign film, and if you were to say, “Oh, you don’t like foreign films? I’m sorry, I really misjudged you. Have fun at Harry Potter,” their shame might be enough to propel the date into a full-scale relationship.
117 Premium Juice
If you live in an area with a lot of white people and are looking for a way to make money, there are few sounder plans than to sell them premium juice. Yoga studios, organic co-ops, and breakfast places will all make money, but in terms of national franchising and profit margins, nothing can beat premium juice.
The white person’s obsession with expensive juice has helped launch a number of prominent orange juice companies as well as breakfast places offering up $6 glasses of “fresh-squeezed” orange juice. However, this has become so commonplace that there is no status associated with merely drinking juice from an orange.
The ideal white-person juice costs between $3 and $6, contains a blend of organic fruit, and is infused with some sort of vitamin or medicinal herb (echinacea is best). There are some instances where the juice is simply that of a single fruit, but in those cases it must be a fruit that seems difficult to juice—pomegranate, for example.
Traditional white medicine holds that drinking juice can cure and prevent colds. The potency of the juice is determined by its rarity and organicness, as well as the ecological commitment of the juice manufacturer. If you do not have time to investigate how each company produces its product, just buy the most expensive.
Aside from using this information to start a new business, it can be very useful in the office. If you are picking up lunch for a white person and they ask you to get them something to drink, bringing back an Odwalla or Naked Juice will be met with joy and awe. It will create the impression that you care about their health and do not spare any expense when it comes to workplace health. Also, the gift economy of the office dictates that this person must then get you a juice of equal or higher value when they purchase lunch. If they fail to do this within a week, you can point it out to other workers and slowly climb over them on the corporate ladder.
118 The ACLU
Though white people are a fiercely independent group, there are certain organizations they depend upon to help protect their rights and freedoms: Greenpeace, MoveOn.org, the Electronic Frontier Foundation (EFF), and, most important, the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU).
Perhaps one of the most universal things on this list is white people’s love of the ACLU and its actions. And why not? It incorporates so many things that white people love: lawyers, religions their parents don’t belong to, knowing what’s best for poor people, nonprofit organizations, and expensive sandwiches. (The last point is not confirmed, but it’s a pretty safe bet to say that there is nothing ACLU lawyers like more than removing the Ten Commandments from public places and then digging into a nice panino.)
Though the stated goal of the ACLU is “to defend and preserve the individual rights and liberties guaranteed to every person in this country by the Constitution and laws of the United States,” in recent years their top priority has been to protect white people from having to look at things they don’t like. At the top of this list is anything that has to do with Christianity: Ten Commandments tablets, public signs that mention God or Jesus, nativity scenes, any sort of Christian statue. Though some would say this is because white people hate Christianity, that is not true. White people simply do not enjoy the aesthetics of Christian artifacts. They much prefer Hindu or Buddhist furniture and imagery, and generally consider Christianity