Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [54]
The ACLU also helps to defend the parts of the Bill of Rights that white people like (everything but the right to bear arms).
WARNING: When talking about the ACLU with white people, it is best not to point out any contradictions in their support of the organization, as this will anger and upset white people on a level you have never experienced.
119 Plaid
Unlike many of the things on this list, white people have not agreed to love plaid flannel blindly and in perpetuity. In fact, the past fifty years have seen the popularity of plaid ebb and flow like the tides at virtually the same level of predictability.
Much in the same way that the tides are tied to the moon, plaid is tied very strongly to music. During periods when more folk-like or Country-Western music is popular, the torsos of white people will be decked out in some variety of plaid. The modern birth of flannel-based plaid occurred during the ’70s when bands like the Byrds, the Grateful Dead, and the Eagles brought a Country-Western aesthetic to rock music. The current iteration has been closely tied to the growth of a folksier blend of indie music.
However, the “grunge” era seems to poke a hole in this theory, as white people were wearing plaid and listening to music that was closer to punk than to folk music. There are two schools of thought on this issue. The first is that grunge served a folk-like function by providing a voice to a marginalized generation in the same way that Woody Guthrie did during the Depression. The other school of thought is “Who cares about grunge? I thought Kurt Cobain wore sweaters and stuff.” This era also featured a significant number of rappers and gang members wearing plaid, again adding to its status as an anomaly.
It is important to understand the role of plaid in white culture, because a lack of awareness could result in a major social mistake. You see, the wrong kind of white people have seen no ebb and/or flow in their love for plaid clothing. So depending on the position in the cycle, if you were to run into a Caucasian person in an airport wearing a plaid shirt, big belt buckle, raw denim, and some faded shoes, your first instinct might be “Oh, a white person. I’ll tell him how much I like Brooklyn and Yeasayer so I can trade seats with him.”
But be careful! You might be looking at the wrong kind of white person, who will probably be quite offended if you imply he’s from San Francisco. The lesson here is that if you are not in a white enclave, it’s best to assume that people dressed like farmers are farmers. This is not only to prevent offending the wrong kind of white person, but also, if you mistake a regular white person for a farmer, they will feel pretty good that they look authentic. You can’t lose.
120 Platonic Friendships
When you see a white woman and a white man eating dinner together, watching a movie, or drinking at a bar you probably think they are a couple. Not so fast! White people often engage in something called a “platonic friendship.” These arrangements feature a white male who is in love with a white female who needs companionship or access to someone with a car.
The relationship is symbiotic for a long time as the white male believes he is making “progress” in his efforts to sleep with the white woman. The white female is in turn rewarded with companionship, someone to help her move, and an excellent “backup” plan in case she is unable to date the male of her choice. (Note: There are instances where the male and female roles are reversed, but these are far rarer.)
During these relationships both parties are required to pretend that the idea of them as a couple is absurd. This allows the male to complain to his friends about his unrequited love, while the female uses this strategy to attempt to ward off (or at least discourage) a sexual advance from the male.
Every single white person who has been in a platonic friendship has experienced at least one of three possible outcomes. The first and most hopeful is that the white male achieves his goal and is able