Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [55]
The opposite of this, of course, is when the female rejects the advance or declaration of love. In this horribly awkward situation, the white male will reassure her that everything is OK and then proceed to extricate himself from the friendship and begin the process anew with a different girl. While white girls will often complain about how they have lost so many friends because of this, they also like to say that these situations are “complicated” and are “a long story.” In both cases, they are hoping you will ask them about it.
Finally, and perhaps most common, is the situation where the friendship becomes strained after the white female begins dating another male. The more aggressive white males might even be willing to profess their love at this stage in a Hail Mary attempt to reach their goal of romantic involvement. But in general, most white males will pretend to be happy for a while and then gradually stop talking to the female.
When you are talking to a white person about personal stuff, make up a story about how you were friends with a girl/guy when you were between 15 and 20 (these are the prime platonic years) and how you were obsessed with her/him; you had these great moments but she ended up dating some jerk who cheated on her/him. Your point will be to prove the lesson about the value of a sensitive person over a good-looking one. There is no chance you will even be able to finish this story, as the white person you are talking to will interrupt you to tell you their version of the story. All you need in order to seal the friendship is to nod and reaffirm how right they are.
121 Reusable Shopping Bags
Many white people have been able to decrease their carbon footprint by using plastic shopping bags for such diverse purposes as garbage bags and bathing-suit transport. Though helpful, the accumulation of bags is often at a much quicker pace than the reusing process, and within months, drawers and closets begin to fill up and are not emptied until the white person moves. It is one of the great tragedies of modern white culture. Fortunately, as with all white problems, there is a simple, expensive solution!
Advanced white people have started to reject plastic shopping bags and have started to bring their own bags to the supermarkets and stores that they frequent. These bags serve two essential purposes in white culture: marginally reducing waste and, more important, publicly showing a commitment to the environment.
Basic-level white people will use the free tote bag they received from their donation to public television or radio to carry a small amount of groceries or farmer’s market produce back to their homes. Though this is respectable, it’s not really all that impressive.
Up a notch are people who have purchased a bag that was specially designed for groceries and features the logo of the store on the side. This not only serves to show those outside the store that they shop at a responsible location, it tells the people in the store that they are lesser for not using that bag. This is essential for defining the hierarchy of white people within certain grocery stores. But again, this bag is only really useful for small quantities of groceries and produce.
The highest-ranking white people will only use the aforementioned bags for short trips. When they purchase large amounts of food they will bring their own bags made of organic cotton string. These bags expand and can accommodate more food and are easily loaded into the back of a Prius or Subaru. But even that is not enough. To achieve the highest possible status, white people must also carry their own muslin sacks that they can use to bag produce like tomatoes and garlic. This prevents them from using one more plastic bag, and it demands recognition from the person at the