Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [56]
All these white people want you to tell them that they are doing the right thing. In fact, they are so eager for praise that you might be able to acquire a free bag if you play your cards right. At the checkout counter of the organic co-op, take a look to see if the white person in front of you has more bags than they need. If they do, nudge them and say “What are those?”—doing your best to get the white person to deliver a speech about how much waste is created by plastic bags. Then start to ask where to get them, and finally say, “I don’t really have that much in my cart, and I’d really hate to have to use one of those plastic bags. I would feel guilty all day.” And boom! Free bag! If you are willing to travel to different markets, you can likely acquire a full set within a month.
122 Acoustic Covers
In terms of music, nothing will please white people more consistently than acoustic covers of songs that don’t seem to lend themselves to acoustic covers. In fact, whenever a white person puts together a mix—on a CD, an mp3 set, or a podcast, or for a party—the crown jewel is always an acoustic cover of a pop or hip-hop song.
On the surface it may seem confusing that white people love these covers so much, but if you dig just below the surface, it’s really not so surprising. You see, white people are not supposed to like mainstream hip-hop, pop music, or heavy metal—those are all enjoyed far too much by the wrong kind of white people. But because of their relative popularity, virtually all white people are familiar with the music. So when a musician takes one of those songs and converts it into an acoustic cover, they have made it acceptable for white people to enjoy because it is now in a style of music that they like.
White people love acoustic guitar, but they also love familiarity and catching pop-culture references, so when an acoustic cover comes along, it delivers on every level!
There is a 100 percent chance that at some point a white person will ask you to “come listen to this,” and watch your face to see how long it takes you to figure out that the song is a cover. If you plan on pursuing friendship with this white person or if they have something you need, it would serve you well to act surprised when you recognize the song, then start laughing, then ask the white person, “Where did you get this?” They will gladly tell you and will be more likely to buy you lunch.
123 Dave Chappelle
Sitting next to the Michel Gondry collection on the DVD shelf of white people is Chappelle’s Show, seasons one and two. Though Chappelle had been very popular with white people prior to getting his own show (ask a white person if they have seen Half-Baked ), when he was given a weekly sketch show on Comedy Central it propelled him from preferred comic to true white comedic hero—joining ’80s Eddie Murphy, early ’90s Martin Lawrence, and late ’90s Chris Rock.
Though Dave Chappelle is popular with all kinds of people, the way that he is popular with white people might be different from what you would expect. For one, you have to be careful about which sketch you list as your favorite, as some have fallen out of favor. When it was first shown, all white people laughed very hard at the whole “Rick James” bit, but within a month it had been strongly co-opted by the wrong kind of white people, who started saying, “I’m Rick James, bitch,” in the same way that they used to say “Yeeaaah, baby!” after watching Austin Powers. So to quote that sketch will likely identify you as someone who lives on the wrong side of good taste.
When the topic of Dave Chappelle comes up, it is recommended that you mention the show only sparingly. Instead, you should mention how much you loved his many stand-up specials. This will not only give the white person a chance to repeat some jokes to show their comedic timing, but it will allow them to tell you how they were really into Dave Chappelle’s comedy before the show. Since you have mentioned the comedy specials, they will recognize you as someone who likes things