Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [59]
This concept can seem a bit complex and likely requires an example. One situation feared by white people is to find themselves near someone who is very talkative and friendly, be it at work, with a neighbor, or on an airplane. On the surface, it would seem as though a friendly, talkative person would be beloved by all, but this is simply not the case with white people. For the most part, white people only like talking to people they already know, and when this option is unavailable they prefer to listen to music, read, or pretend to be asleep. So when they find themselves having to pretend to be nice to a very outgoing person who bores them, they are in quite a pickle. They know that they cannot tell the person to shut up without being perceived as a jerk, so instead they rearrange their life and activities in an effort to avoid this person until their secret wishes for them to leave will come true. Sadly, they rarely do.
Generally, ignoring the problem is preferred by white people, but occasionally they will be pushed too far. When a white person reaches the breaking point, they will write a letter or an email to the person who has wronged them. The email will likely be well thought out and produced over the course of a few hours with many sentences apologizing for being in conflict. White people will say they prefer this method so that they can get their thoughts presented more clearly, but in reality it’s just easier to avoid talking to someone. Once the email has been received and replied to, the healing process can begin and the friendship can resume.
This is essential knowledge if you ever find yourself in conflict with a white person. Do not confront them directly, as they will back down, agree to everything you say, and then immediately start talking about you to their friends, who will all turn on you. Direct confrontation is viewed by white people as a sign of instability, with the possibility that you might punch them. It is very difficult to recover from if you are not drunk at the time.
The best method is to wait as long as possible to see if the white person will send you the olive-branch email. If they don’t, and you have reached your own breaking point, wait five more days and send it yourself. They will appreciate your utilization of the tested white method of conflict resolution.
129 DJs
Within the world of white people, there might be no better job than DJ: knowing a lot about music; playing vinyl; no real musical talent required; and constant recognition of how great you are for knowing about music. It is perfect.
In the same way that every white person believes they would make a good photographer or writer, every single one believes that they would make a fantastic DJ. Because of this, white people have elevated DJs to the same status as actual musicians in the hopes that one day they can join the ranks.
Approximately 60 percent of white people will be in a band at some point in their lives, and the remaining 40 percent will attempt to be DJs. They generally follow the same trajectory. At first, they will choose a DJ name that will depend on the style of DJ they want to be. If they are really into hip-hop and want to be accepted into the community, they will likely choose a “thug” name like DJ AK-47 or DJ Gatz. If they love hip-hop but sort of understand that they are hopelessly white, they will choose a funny name like DJ Optimus Prime or DJ Snork. Once they have settled on a name they will begin by buying all sorts of hip-hop vinyl and putting together mix tapes for their friends with a lot of scratches to show their “technique.” They will seek out only the most underground remixes and will likely produce a poor-quality “mashup” in which they’ll mix a hip-hop song with a pop instrumental.
By the time they reach college, the type-A DJ has morphed into the type-B DJ, and they have begun to experiment with pop songs