Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [60]
After graduation, white people will continue to pursue this passion and will assemble a group of friends who love to see them “spin.” White people prefer the word spin because it sounds cooler than “choosing songs for people to listen to.”
Note: DJs have the best talent-to-groupie ratio of any career.
130 Carbon Offsets
As much as white people would love to be able to do everything in an Earth-friendly way, the reality of their needs sometimes just doesn’t match up to current environmental options. For example, when a white person needs to travel to India for a yoga retreat, they are going to have to get on a plane and in the process release tons of carbon dioxide into the air. Though simply avoiding air travel would be a good way to solve this, that’s just not a fair thing to ask. Fortunately, there are carbon offsets.
A carbon offset occurs when a white person does something bad to the environment, like flying on an airplane or buying an SUV, and then simply gives some money to a company like TerraPass, which then plants a bunch of trees to make up for the infraction. In much the same way that Catholics sin and then ask forgiveness in confession, white people commit a sin and then just pay a bunch of money to remove the guilt. It is an astonishingly efficient system.
The system is also useful since white people can sit on a plane surrounded by other travelers, yet know deep down that they are saving the Earth while everyone else on the plane is destroying it—even though they are all on the same flight.
Since it is very difficult for white people to check up on the status of their carbon offsets, this is an excellent opportunity for personal financial gain. Whenever a white person says that they are going to take a flight, ask if they are paying for a carbon offset. If they say no, then you should introduce them to your new carbon-offset company, but be as unclear as possible about exactly how you will create the offset. Then buy yourself a Toyota Prius.
131 Following Their Dreams
White people are required to support anyone who decides to follow their dreams, regardless of the likelihood for success. This is one of the most important things you can ever learn.
Because white people generally do not have to worry about money in any serious way, or food, or shelter, or health care, their number-one concern is about the best way to make themselves happy. This eats up a tremendous amount of their time and has created many lucrative side industries, such as therapy, writer’s workshops, acting classes, screenwriting software, and academia.
From a very young age, white people are told that the greatest thing they can do is to follow their dreams, and that they should not listen to anyone who tries to hold them back. Within white culture this law is about as unbreakable as gravity.
Generally a white person is most likely to follow their dream between the ages of 18 and 25. The majority will wait until they finish college before moving away to chase their dream of being an actor, writer, photographer, director, artist, musician, DJ, or producer.
If you meet a white person who has just finished college and has told you that they are moving to Brooklyn to become a writer, you should never under any circumstances suggest that they are making a mistake. When they are this young, it’s best to say, “Of course, you have to take a chance now, because you may not have it when you are older. But I know you’re going to make it.” This last bit of encouragement will virtually guarantee a free place to stay when you visit New York City.
Do not feel bad for the white person or their parents. Following their dreams at this age is completely acceptable since failure will only really result in later acceptance to law school and perhaps a few sizeable loans from their parents. Depending on their degree