Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [61]
However, some white people do not follow their dreams immediately out of college, and here is where the danger lies. As they begin to get older and feel disenchanted with their current job, they begin to think back to the dreams they had when they were younger. While it would seem logical that a real friend would say, “Hey, you just turned forty, do you really think it’s a good idea to get your PhD in English? You know you won’t get tenure until you’re sixty, right?” nothing could be further from the truth.
Regardless of how catastrophic and irresponsible their actions are, if the end goal is to “follow their dreams” you must support them blindly or else you will be seen as a Simon Cowell–esque figure who is hated by all as a crusher of hope.
It is best to say something funny that also implies inevitable success, like “Can I be an extra when the movie gets made?” or “I expect a signed first edition!” It does not matter if you are lying.
132 Not Having Cash
A very important thing to know about white people is that in spite of their considerable wealth, they hate to carry cash. Ask the nearest white person how much cash they have on them. If they are under 35, the answer will likely be under $10.
For white people cash leads to all sorts of problems. First, they are very afraid of losing their cash either by accident or through some kind of robbery. If they lose a credit card or get it stolen, they make a few phone calls and they can sleep easy at night. Not the case with a $20 bill.
The other reason is that white people are obsessed with credit card rewards. Just ask them and they’ll tell you how their credit card rewards them with airline miles, Amazon points, or even cash back. If they have to pay for something in cash, it just kills them to know that they are missing out on a chance to get rewards. They also hate pennies.
Cash also poses problems for white people in group settings. Because of the amount of time they spend in bars and restaurants, they need a system that allows them to split a bill accurately and fairly among the party. A pile of $20s is simply a shot in the dark.
But the real reason why white people have so little cash is that their schedules take them from home to work to sandwich shops to work to Whole Foods to home and then to bed. There is simply no time to stop at an ATM.
This information can be useful if you bring a white person to an ethnic restaurant that only takes cash. Never assume that white people will have money, and unless you want to give out a short-term loan, you should always tell a white person in advance if a restaurant is cash only.
133 Adopting Foreign Children
Much as white people tend to prefer rescue dogs over purebreds, when it comes to children an increasing number of white people are turning to foreign countries. Africa and Asia are supplying the majority of these babies to white couples, who cannot wait to begin the journey of raising a foreign child.
On some levels, the foreign child is superior to the home-grown one, since the parents will always know that they took the child from a bad situation and brought him or her to a better one. This creates an important feeling of debt that will help to ensure the child remains loyal and obedient to the parents, something missing in many white children.
But the most important reason white parents are tripping over themselves for foreign babies is that they know it’s their last chance to adopt another culture. When they chose to marry another white person, they gave up their opportunity to marry someone from a different race and culture. This essentially robbed them of their opportunity to learn a new language, a new cuisine, and a new wardrobe, and an excuse to repeatedly travel to a foreign country to “recharge.” But a foreign child puts all of this right back into play!
White parents know that their role is not to merely