Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [62]
At dinner parties, playgrounds, and school functions the parents can now be experts on Vietnam or China or Sierra Leone. No amount of travel can compare to the expertise acquired by raising a child. Not even study abroad can trump this one.
If a white couple has adopted a child from your homeland, be prepared to have your culture thrown back at you with the force of a hurricane. In this situation it is advisable that you tell the parents what a great job they are doing keeping the child connected to his or her heritage. For extra credit, say that the child is more [insert country] than you were growing up. You will instantly jump to the top of any friend list.
The important thing to remember when you see a white couple with a foreign child is to ask about the country the child came from. They will have a very long and likely tragic story that should always end with you saying, “And now he/she is here with you. It’s amazing how the world works itself out.” Saying this means that you can count on the couple to give you a kidney if you should ever need one.
134 LEED Certification
Labels are important to white people. Organic labels on food help them determine what to eat, T-shirts are like body labels that help them determine who to date, Apple labels help them buy electronics, the McSweeney’s label helps them determine what to read, and indie labels help to ensure quality in music. But what about buildings? How do you know if the building you are in has been made according to the exacting standards that you apply to your coffee? Thankfully, LEED has stepped in to help make sure that white people can even make their buildings feel superior.
LEED stands for Leadership in Energy and Environmental Design, which has emerged as the preeminent organization for setting energy and environmental standards for architecture and building construction. Architects who plan on serving a mostly white market can become LEED-accredited and immediately start selling themselves as environmental architects. LEED architect is probably the most respected job (excluding any kind of artist) that a white person can have.
Buildings can also be retrofitted with changes to become LEED-certified, which essentially means that they are acceptable for white people to enter.
It is important to familiarize yourself with LEED standards so that if you are ever invited to a vegetarian’s house for dinner and they start bugging you about the environmental impact of eating meat, you can ask them if their place is LEED-certified. “Oh, it’s not? I would say those in a glass house shouldn’t cast stones, but I think a glass house would be more energy efficient than this one.”
135 Expensive Strollers
To help prepare their children for a lifetime of driving expensive cars, white parents like to make sure that they are pushed around in the most expensive of European strollers. Though it could also be said that the lack of European luxury hybrids has forced white parents into using those funds to purchase the most expensive possible alternative-energy vehicle. The energy is considered alternative since it comes from a nanny.
It is simply understood that strollers start at $800, and it is not wise to question this. In fact, it has been shown that white children who are pushed around in substandard strollers often grow up to be only marginally gifted.
The best thing you can do is to wait until a white person has had their second child. Find out when they are likely to stop needing the stroller and plan your first child around this event. A free stroller is a free stroller.
136 Singer-Songwriters
White people enjoy a variety of music, ranging from indie rock all the way to underground hip-hop,