Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [63]
Singer-songwriters generally fall into two categories: guy with acoustic guitar or girl on piano. Sometimes there are exceptions, like Ani DiFranco (girl/guitar) or Rufus Wainwright (guy/piano), who are both very acceptable to white people and are safe to list as your favorite musician.
For the most part, singer-songwriters perform their own songs, which reflect their life experiences and observations on modern life in New York City, Portland, or San Francisco. White people enjoy hearing about others who have gone through problems similar to theirs and like to try to match them to their own lives. For example, when a white person leaves for college, they like to listen to a song that talks about leaving something behind or is equally applicable to the situation. In this case “First Day of My Life” by Bright Eyes would be applicable, since it can be interpreted as the first day of college being like the first day of real life. This is also very common during difficult breakups.
WARNING: If you ever make a mix for someone, be careful not to put any songs by a singer-songwriter on there, because the recipient will attempt to interpret the lyrics in an effort to uncover your true feelings. Then things will get weird. Best to stick with the Kinks.
137 Eating Outside
It is a rule in white culture that if something is done outside, it is vastly improved. Reading, working, and holding a philosophy class are activities that are significantly improved by being done outside. But nothing sees a more significant boost in enjoyment by venturing outdoors than eating.
Picnics and cookouts have been a staple of white culture for years. When these activities involve groups, they essentially function as an outdoor dinner party offering a whole new set of things to judge, like patio furniture, themed alcohol, and quality of food.
But nothing excites white people more than restaurant patios. Of course, there are many different types of outdoor dining options, and it’s important to be aware of the major differences. For breakfast and lunch, white people generally embrace the sidewalk café. This enables them to enjoy the day, show off to passersby, and, even if only for a minute, pretend they are in Europe. Few better things can be said in one of these situations than “This reminds me of a delightful place I used to go to in France.”
When day turns to night, the cafés are replaced by patios. White people will base their entire evening around trying to figure out which bar has the best patio scene. In fact, after ’80s night, there may be no better white activity than drinking in an outdoor bar.
However, as much as white people love being outside, they also hate slight discomfort. So when eating in a café make sure that the white person you are with has appropriate levels of shade. If the sun moves significantly during the course of your meal they will likely ask to leave. It is not a good idea to say, “If you like shade so much, there’s this entire place called ‘inside’ that has nothing but shade.” Later at night, you might notice steel obelisks that sort of look like little umbrellas; these are propane heaters. They allow white people to enjoy the temperature control of an indoor environment without the heating and energy efficiency traditionally associated with being inside. Again, it is not a good idea to question why white people do this.
138 Books
The role of books in white culture is perhaps as important as organic food—essential for survival. However, understand that this is not about literacy or reading, but about the physical object of a book.
Try this out as an experiment. Show a white person a photo of a living room that features an entire wall of floor-to-ceiling bookshelves. They are guaranteed to respond by saying how much they would love that for their own home and that they are planning on having a living room just like that in the future.
This is because white people need to show off the books that they have read. Just