Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [64]
As much as white people do not want you rifling through their medicine cabinet, they are desperate for you to examine their bookshelves. When scanning through the rows of books, the best things you can say are “You made it through Infinite Jest? Wow” or “I didn’t know you loved Joyce so much.” If your intentions are to grow your friendship either romantically or platonically, there is no better technique than to ask to borrow one of the books.
This is because lending out books is the only practical reason for white people to hold on to their entire collection. So by asking to borrow a copy, you are justifying their decision to save the book, allowing them to both introduce you to a new author and assert their status as a well-read individual. It is the perfect move.
But there are times when your visit to a white person’s house is not long enough for a full inspection of their bookshelves. How then can you gauge their taste? Simple, just look at the coffee table. You see, white people like to purchase very expensive, very large books that they can put on their coffee tables for other people to see and then use to make value judgments. If the coffee-table book is about art, then the white person wants you to ask them about their trip to the Tate Modern. If it’s about photography, they want you to ask them about their new camera. If it’s about football or bikinis, you should politely ask to leave.
So now that you know white people like books, you might assume that a book is the perfect gift. Not so fast. There are a few possible outcomes from giving books, and few of them end well. If you get a white person a book that they already have, the situation will be uncomfortable. If you get them a book that they do not want, you will be forever viewed as someone with poor taste in literature. In the event that you get them a book that they want and do not have, they are forced to recognize that they have not read it, which instantly paints you as a threat. There is no way to win when you give a book to a white person.
139 Music Festivals
Imagine spending three days in a tent, but instead of being surrounded by nature you are surrounded by mud, oppressive heat, loudspeakers, and thousands of white people swaying with their eyes closed. Many people would call this “hell,” “a nightmare that won’t end,” or “some sort of sci-fi zombie scenario that is worse than anything we could ever imagine.” White people call this a “music festival” and will pay large amounts of money for the experience.
These events play an important part in white culture, as they provide both an excuse for travel and an excuse for using outrageous amounts of recreational drugs. If a white person tells you that they are going to a music festival, push a little further into their plans and you will discover that they have spent weeks acquiring different drugs and doing Internet research to find out how to best combine them. They will also be happy to tell you their exact inventory: “We got four hits of Ecstasy, an ounce of ’shrooms, an ounce of weed, an eight ball of coke, ten hits of blotter acid, all sorts of pills, and some GHB to help come down. I think it should be enough.”
These drugs are necessary because the sheer size of the festival means that the majority of people in attendance will be watching everything on large screens near the stage. So, to make that clear, white people are paying for the right to watch large televisions with other white people through obnoxiously loud speakers.
Before you start talking to anyone about a music festival you have to understand that your choice of festival defines the type of white person that you are. Type A people who regularly attend festivals like Glastonbury or Roskilde are more into European music, which often means electronic.