Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [65]
Do not under any circumstances attend one of these festivals.
140 Glasses
As white people get older they attempt to construct their “look” much in the same way they construct a Mii avatar on the Nintendo Wii. Since many white people look alike, they are desperate to find ways to have a distinctive look. Some try complex facial hair or wild haircuts, but these require rather long-term commitments and are not always welcome at nonprofit organizations or film-festival offices. The easiest way for a white person to express their individuality and uniqueness is through their choice of glasses.
Aren’t there white people who don’t wear glasses? You might have to double-check that they are the right kind of white people. Or it must just be a “contact day,” which white people are permitted to have from time to time.
The right choice of eyewear can tell the world that you are well read (your eyes have deteriorated from too many late nights at the library), have good taste in music, and do not care that the world perceives you as a nerd. Because of this, white people need to find glasses that are rare and unique, but at the same time made of thick plastic frames in either black or brown. These strong frames force people to recognize that the white person is wearing glasses and to acknowledge their intelligence. Glasses that appear invisible, or at least are not prominent, are seen as inferior, since they do not demand recognition and often blend in with the face.
Because of the relative difficulty in finding such a unique item, it is never a good idea to ask a white person where they got their glasses. This is because they are extremely fearful of other white people wearing the same kind. It’s hard to describe how much of a big deal this is. There used to be stories about how primitive tribes would not allow photographs, which they feared would steal their souls. Well, when another white person buys and wears your style of glasses, it’s sort of the same thing.
If you are ever searching for a neutral compliment for a white person, it’s always a good idea to say, “I like your glasses.” This will make them feel great about themselves, but won’t make them feel as though you are hitting on them.
141 McSweeney’s
McSweeney’s is one of the most powerful forces in white culture. It is a literary magazine–publishing house that is so powerful that just knowing about it (not even reading it) is enough to gain the respect of white people.
It was founded in 1998 by white-person hero Dave Eggers as a literary magazine that only published work that had been rejected by other publications. It became very popular very quickly and soon expanded into multiple magazines, DVD magazines, and a publishing division.
There is a steady group of writers who regularly contribute to the magazine and eventually write books for the imprint. These writers form a very special crew, and are all very respected within the white community. Some are more successful than others, and they don’t let just anybody into the group. In fact, it’s sort of like the Wu-Tang Clan for white people.
In the same way that Method Man or the RZA can act in movies and release solo albums without taking away from their affiliation with the group, many McSweeney’s writers are able to do solo projects away from the core group. This includes some who are regular contributors to NPR (Sarah Vowell) and The Daily Show (John Hodgman). Aside from Eggers, these are considered to be ultimate-level white people who set the standard for the rest of the community.
There are a number of ways to use this information. First, being able