Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [66]
142 Hardwood Floors
When white people envision their perfect home, it always has hardwood floors. In fact, most white people would prefer a dirt floor over wall-to-wall carpeting, because to them it would have the same level of cleanliness and probably fewer germs.
White people are petrified of germs, and when they look at a carpet all they can see is everything that has ever been spilled, tracked in, or shaken loose into the carpet fibers. But more disgusting to white people is that wall-to-wall carpeting reminds them of suburban homes, motel rooms, and the horrible apartments that they have visited or lived in over the years. It has no soul. Only germs.
Hardwood floors, on the other hand, are easily cleaned and give a sense of character to a place, since they are often the original flooring in older buildings. It is a well-known white fantasy to purchase a home or apartment that has disgusting carpet and then to pull it up to reveal a beautiful hardwood floor underneath. If you can tell a similar story to white people it will give them hope that they can one day find a run-down home and turn it into a modern masterpiece of interior design. This is highly recommended.
Oddly enough, in spite of their hatred for wall-to-wall carpeting, white people all love rugs.
143 Bakeries
If you’re driving through an empty neighborhood at night and need to determine if it’s a white neighborhood, the fastest way to do so is to look for a fancy bakery. The presence of one such bakery signifies that you are in a rapidly gentrifying white neighborhood, while two means you likely cannot afford a place there, and three means that it is safe for white children.
Using the finest organic ingredients and offering both gluten-free and vegan alternatives, the modern bakery has come to define the white neighborhood. It is a source of pride, inspiration, and cupcakes.
When a white person brings a dessert from their local bakery to a dinner party, they are doing much more than just bringing food. They are bringing their neighborhood, their newly renovated home, and their sense of superiority. Bringing a delicious local treat says “Look at me, look at what my neighborhood produces. It’s organic, it’s authentic, it’s delicious, it’s all that is me. Did you get those cookies at Costco?”
The bakery also inspires hope in white people. Many of them dream of quitting their 9 to 5 job and opening a small bakery within walking distance of their home. In this little shop they will listen to excellent music and provide the community with the proper nourishment to help fight childhood obesity and raise property values.
Buying local certainly has the most significance for white people, but that does not mean that they won’t travel great distances to seek out new and exciting food. Knowing where to get the best cookie, French bread, or macaroon is of critical importance among white people, and being able to tell someone where to get the “best cupcake in the city” is considered an essential element in being an expert on local food. However, attempting to tell someone about a bakery that is no longer considered “cutting edge” will result in mockery that might last for months and possibly a year. To put it into context, that would be like telling someone about a great new Irish band called “U2.”
144 Modern Art Museums
The majority of travel done by white people is justified by their need to find themselves or, occasionally, to serve in some sort of charity project. But when white people take a trip