Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [67]
Nothing justifies a visit to New York or London more than the promise of a visit to MoMA or the Tate Modern. So much so, in fact, that if a white person travels to the UK for seven days and visits an art museum on the first and then spends the next six watching television in their room, the trip is considered to be a cultural success.
But what about regular art galleries or museums? Except in the case of parents with very young children, these are regarded as tourist destinations reserved for the wrong kind of white people. Returning home from Paris and declaring you saw the Mona Lisa is met with the same level of respect as returning home from McDonald’s and declaring that you ate a cheeseburger. These museums are filled with sculptures and paintings of mostly religious artwork and gaudy gold painted frames that would look terrible next to designer furniture. That’s right, white people love modern art because it fits in better with their furniture. Simple as that.
Though few can afford well-known artists, white people harbor dreams of somehow being able to afford the work of young artists before they become famous. This is the same way they feel about indie rock. But unlike music, buying into the right young artist will yield both respect and financial gain, perhaps the two things most beloved by white people (see #73, Gentrification, for further evidence).
But again, even the practice of buying actual art will elude many young white people. So they are left with only one recourse: the gift shop. A white person in a modern art museum gift shop is not comparable to a kid in a candy store. They’re more like a drug addict in the evidence room.
Prints, art supplies, T-shirts, posters, books, postcards, knickknacks—it’s an entire room devoted to a collection of things that serve as evidence of both good taste and a visit to the museum. If you are in a city with a well-known modern art museum, you can literally buy anything from the gift shop and a white person will love it. No other retail chain, not even IKEA, can offer that kind of security.
145 Cheese
Wine and cheese are a great pairing for any white event: dinner party, gallery opening, or presidential-debate party. But, as with all things, white people are expected to have an extensive and deep knowledge of cheese, cheese regions, and proper cheese pairings.
The uses for cheese in white culture are almost limitless. It is an important part of any expensive sandwich, an essential hors d’oeuvre, and a required salad topping. Knowing your way around a cheese plate can help to improve your standing with white people in an instant. But professing a love for the wrong kind of cheese will quickly paint you as the wrong kind of person.
Anything presliced is unacceptable, anything manufactured by a major dairy producer is unacceptable, and even being aware of “American cheese” is considered highly problematic.
It is best to treat cheese like indie music in so much as it’s best to like cheeses that no one has ever heard of. Also, it’s a very good idea to have obscure alternative cheeses for common food situations. For example, if a white person says, “I love fresh Parmesan grated on my gnocchi,” you should reply, “Even if it’s authentic Parmesan, I really think a pecorino is just so much nicer. It adds a nuttiness that you don’t find in common Parmesans.” This is also effective when talking about grilled cheese sandwiches.
These adjectives are commonly recognized as the best for cheese: nutty, sharp, and rich. Smoky can go either way and is best avoided.
If you are planning on hosting an event with white people, it’s a good idea to head over to a gourmet store and visit its cheese section (don’t worry, they have them). Ask the cheese guy to recommend a plate. Take notes on what he says, then repeat at party to a rapt audience. If you are able to introduce a white person to a new cheese, it’s like introducing them to a future spouse. They will remember it forever, or at least until they get bored.