Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [68]
146 Therapy
Before an explanation of therapy, it is essential to explain a few key principles about how white people operate.
First, any time that a white person succeeds it is entirely because of their hard work and natural talent. It may take a few questions to get them to admit this, but trust me, they all believe it. They will tell you how they worked hard in high school to get into college, worked hard in college to get a good internship, and have been busting their ass for years to hold their current position. No one gave them a free ride, they earned it.
On the other end of the spectrum, every single white failure can be attributed to parents.
Because of this split, an entire industry known as “therapy” has popped up to help white people try to turn those failures into successes.
A therapist is a person who listens to white problems and basically promises not to tell anybody else, like the friend all white people wish they had but know they don’t. This therapist will meet with a white person one to five times a week depending on the severity of the problems.
During the session they will ask questions and allow the white person to vent all the problems they are having with relationships, jobs, and family. When the allotted time is up, the white person will pay and then return to their life.
On the surface, you may think this is something to be ashamed of and you should never ask a white person about therapy. However, all white people require therapy. The only difference among them is that some are still waiting to begin. It is perfectly normal to see a therapist, and white people are very comfortable talking about how they are undoing the damage done by their parents.
It is not recommended that you ask white people what they talk about in therapy. This is not because of the personal nature of the conversations, but rather because they could start to see you as a free alternative who might be able to deliver ethnic wisdom.
147 Public Transportation That Is Not a Bus
When white people talk about their favorite things about New York City, they will almost always mention the subway. They will go on and on about how they were able to get from their hotel to the restaurant to their friend’s place without a car. Most likely the conversation will continue with them talking about how jealous they are of people in New York who don’t have to drive.
White people all support the idea of public transportation and will be happy to tell you about how subways and streetcars/trams have helped to energize cities like Chicago and Portland. They will tell you all about the energy and cost savings of having people abandon their cars for public transportation and how they hope that one day they can live in a city where they will be car-free.
At this point, you are probably thinking about the massive number of buses that serve your city and how you have never seen a white person riding them. To a white person a bus is essentially a giant minivan that continually stops to pick up progressively smellier people. You should never, ever point this out to a white person. It will make them recognize that they might not love public transportation as much as they thought, and then they will feel sad.
When it comes to the subject it’s best to understand that white people do not recognize public transit as a viable option until a subway line is built that runs directly from their house to their work. Until that time, public transportation is a luxury only for New Yorkers and Europeans, sort of like opera.
148 Dive Bars
For white people who do not like to dance, a local dive bar is acknowledged as the best place to spend a night out. For those of you who don’t know, a dive bar is a place with cheap drinks and minimal decoration that was formerly frequented by those who dislike white people.
The dive bar is a treasure trove of authenticity: authentic people, authentic light beer, authentic urinals, authentic beer mirrors, and authentic imitation red leather on the furniture. In spite of their love of interior design