Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [69]
A common fantasy is for a white person to “discover” a dive bar and quickly become a fixture at the place so that the regulars will accept them as one of their own. Of course, one of the defining features of a good dive bar is that the locals actually hate the white people who frequent the bar. This is something that will become more and more pronounced as the bar and the neighborhood evolve.
After white people have found a good dive bar they begin to operate much like parasites. Soon they bring some friends, who bring some friends, who bring some friends, and eventually the sleepy bar that served Miller Lite on tap now stocks Stella and is packed with people wearing scarves and glasses and complaining about how much they hate nightclubs.
By now, all of the original locals have moved on from both the bar and the neighborhood. If all goes according to plan, a few locals will remain and the original white person to discover the bar will feel proud to complain that this once great bar has changed for the worse.
If you are one of the remaining locals, there are some great opportunities for you to help compensate for the loss of your bar. First, that original white person will always buy you a drink if you ask for one to toast “the good old days.” But don’t think the gravy train stops there. The new white people in the bar will be desperate to distance themselves from their friends and prove that they are local, and there is no better way to do this than to befriend you. Once you know their names, just say hi anytime they enter the bar and you will drink for free for as long as you like.
149 Self-Importance
Implied but not stated in virtually every entry here is the notion of self-importance. Magically, over the past half century white people have been able to mask much of this self-importance through the arts, charities, nonprofit organizations, nongovernmental organizations, and childbirth.
The life of every white person is worthy of a memoir. Being born into a middle-class existence, having some difficult experiences in college, and taking a year off to teach in Asia/work in the Peace Corps/volunteer with Teach for America are all life stories realized only by a select few. Unfortunately, the publishing industry can only put out so many books each year and white people have had to turn to an alternative means: blogging.
Due to an undying need to share their life story with everyone who will listen, white people have taken to blogging in massive numbers, though it is no surprise that many have simply turned their journals/diaries into blogs where they talk about the latest episode of American Idol, Darfur, their experience at a coffee shop, and their concerns about the future. These were to be expected.
What has been less expected is the need for white people to document in blog format any experience that takes more than a week. Pregnancy, vacations to Asia and South America, renovations, child rearing, and car restoration have all become blogs that encourage the rest of the world to take notice of the astute observations and talent of the undiscovered writer.
When a white person shares their URL with you, do not say, “Do I have to read this now?” Instead, you should say, “I’d love to check it out,” quickly read one post near the middle of the blog, and return to the white person, saying, “Oh man, I saw that post on [insert topic]. It was great. I forwarded it to all my friends.” Doing this shows that you believe their life to be important and their presentation of that life to be worth your time. Sadly, the temporary boost in self-esteem for the white person is the only benefit to be gained from the blog and your interaction with it.
150 Rock Climbing
For much of human history, when a human being saw a mountain in front of them,