• Choose a category
• All
• Classic-Fiction

By Root 556 0

their reaction was “Damn, I wish this mountain wasn’t here, why can’t someone just blow a hole through this?” One day, after many roads and tunnels had been constructed, a white person thought to himself, “You know what? I’m going to climb this, look around, then climb back down. The view from the top will be worth risking my life.” And rock climbing was born.

Though the entire activity can be made pointless with the introduction of an extremely long ladder, white people love rock climbing almost more than they love camping. This is because the activity affords them the opportunity to be outside, to use a carabiner for something other than their keys, and to purchase a whole new set of expensive activity-specific clothing and accessories.

The appeal of the sport has grown in recent years as cities and college campuses have opened indoor rock-climbing facilities. Now urban white people can experience all the thrill of climbing up something, looking around, and then climbing back down without having to take a long drive—which is the only goal of rock climbing. There is no gold at the top of the mountain, no secret lair, not even a snack bar. The only reward is self-satisfaction and the opportunity to say, “Dude, crazy weekend. We did the summit of [insert mountain], it was intense. Me and a few buddies are planning a trip to Peru to climb.”

Exploiting a person who is into rock climbing is not very difficult. Simply praise them for their tremendous skill and drop a hint that you would be willing to house-sit the next time they go climbing. (Note: House-sitting is the activity of living in a white person’s house when they are away. It is a good opportunity to eat their food and make a few extra dollars.)

But how can you tell if a white person is into rock climbing? It’s easy! Talk to them for ten minutes. White people who like rock climbing love to tell people about how they like to go “climbing” on the weekend and would like nothing more than for you to join them or at least enroll in a rock-climbing class. Do not accept.

How White Are You?

Check off everything that you like. When you’re finished, count everything up and determine your whiteness percentage.

1 Coffee

2 Religions Their Parents Don’t Belong To

3 Film Festivals

4 Assists

5 Farmer’s Markets

6 Organic Food

7 Diversity

8 Barack Obama

9 Making You Feel Bad for Not Going Outside

10 Wes Anderson Movies

11 Asian Girls

12 Nonprofit Organizations

13 Tea

14 Having Black Friends

15 Yoga

16 Gifted Children

17 Hating Their Parents

18 Awareness

19 International Travel

20 Being an Expert on Your Culture

21 Writer’s Workshops

22 Having Two Last Names

23 Microbreweries

24 Wine

25 David Sedaris

26 Manhattan (and Now Brooklyn, Too!)

27 Marathons

28 Not Having a TV

29 ’80s Night

30 Wrigley Field

31 Snowboarding

32 Veganism/Vegetarianism

33 Marijuana

34 Architecture

35 The Daily Show with Jon Stewart/The Colbert Report

36 Brunch

37 Renovations

38 Arrested Development

39 Netflix

40 Apple Products

41 Indie Music

42 Sushi

43 Plays

44 Public Radio

45 Asian Fusion Food

46 The Sunday New York Times

47 Liberal Arts Degrees

48 Whole Foods and Grocery Co-ops

49 Vintage

50 Irony

51 Living by the Water

52 Sarah Silverman

53 Dogs

54 Kitchen Gadgets

55 Apologies

56 Lawyers

57 Documentaries

58 Japan

59 Natural Medicine

60 Toyota Prius

61 Bicycles

62 Knowing What’s Best for Poor People

63 Expensive Sandwiches

64 Recycling

65 Coed Sports

66 Divorce

67 Standing Still at Concerts

68 Michel Gondry

69 Mos Def

70 Difficult Breakups

71 Being the Only White Person Around

72 Study Abroad

73 Gentrification

74 Oscar Parties

75 Threatening to Move to Canada

76 Bottles of Water

77 Musical Comedy

78 Multilingual Children

79 Modern Furniture

80 The Idea of Soccer

81 Graduate School

82 Hating Corporations

83 Bad Memories of High School

84 T-shirts