Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [8]
When a white person offers you wine, you take a small sip and then say, “Ooh, that’s nice. What country is it from?” Then they will say the name of the country and you say, “I love wines from that country, I would love to get a villa in the wine region there.” White people will nod in agreement as they all want to have a second home in a wine region like Napa, Tuscany, or Santa Barbara.
It is also a good idea to say that your favorite wine is from a small winery called [make up a name like Spotswood, Red Duck, or a random Spanish-sounding name] in [Australia, Argentina, France, California, or Chile] that is hard to find in whatever country you are in. White people will be impressed that they have not heard of this wine and will consider you to be a very smart person. They will also make a note to try to find that wine, and when they can’t find it, your status will rise even higher.
Wines that are acceptable: red, white (less so).
Wines that are unacceptable (unless to be consumed in an ironic fashion): white Zinfandel, wine in a box, rosé, fortified wine, Arbor Mist, Chinese cooking wine.
25 David Sedaris
For many of you, this item will be confusing, as you will be wondering who exactly this David Sedaris is. He is a humorist who writes for The New Yorker and has several books, including Barrel Fever and Holidays on Ice.
His stuff is kind of funny, but white people go crazy and will pay hundreds of dollars to hear him read from his own book. Let me say that again: they will pay money to see someone read from a book they have already read. They know the jokes are coming, they know the punch lines, but they feel the need to hear the author actually say them.
White people universally love David Sedaris, so if they ever ask you, “Who are your favorite authors?” you should always reply, “David Sedaris.” They will instantly launch into a story about how much they love his work, and the conversation will go from there, and you won’t have to talk about books anymore. This is also safer than saying Jonathan Franzen, Dave Eggers, or Shakespeare. White people are very divided on these authors and might actually ask you questions about why you like them. Stick with David Sedaris and you can’t lose! If they do press you, just say, “I read a lot, and I never laugh out loud when I read, but Sedaris is just brilliant.”
This advice will make white people respect you, trust you, and be more willing to invite you to their parties.
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White Annotated Bibliography
Dave Eggers, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius “Honestly, I’m not afraid to call this the book of our generation. He captures all that we are and aspire to be.”
Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything Is Illuminated “The book is incredible. The accented English literally jumps off the page and demands to be read out loud.”
Michael Chabon, The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay “His first book was good, but I think he really comes into his own as an author with this novel. It does this amazing job of combining all that I remember loving about comic books with all that I love about prose fiction.”
Henry James, all books “If you send me to a desert island, just make sure I have a page of James’s delicate prose in my back pocket. I promise you it can keep me entertained and thinking for months.”
All Victorian novels “So your favorite books are Pride and Predjudice, Wuthering Heights, and Vanity Fair? Convenient that they’ve all been turned into movies, don’t you think?”
Michael Pollan, The Omnivore’s Dilemma “The politics of food are fascinating, and this book will change the way you eat and the way you think forever.”
James Joyce, Finnegans Wake “I love Joyce, although I feel as though Dubliners captures the spirit of the Irish more than this book.” (Note: It is an old white-person trick to steer conversation away from