Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [7]
These responses will fill white people with that self-satisfaction they need. Also, the responses serve as reminders that they are not racist, which also makes them feel terrific.
21 Writer’s Workshops
It’s no secret: White people want to be writers. Why wouldn’t they? They could work 10 hours a week from a country house in Maine or New England, get called a genius by other white people, and maybe get a book made into a film. Every single white person harbors this dream. No matter what they tell you, all of them have at least one chapter of a novel or memoir stashed away somewhere.
Being a marginally crafty race, white people will often seek out every possible route to achieving this goal, and one of the most popular methods has been writer’s workshops. These are expensive mini go-to-school-type vacations where you talk with a published writer (often someone you haven’t heard of, but they have a book on Amazon) who will tell you how they became a writer. If there is time, they will listen to you read your stuff and tell you that it’s good but it needs work on (a) structure, (b) characters, or (c) dialogue. Then they will collect their check and go back to their country house or studio apartment in New York.
22 Having Two Last Names
In recent years, white people have loved giving their children two last names. This is a direct result of white women thinking it’s sexist and outdated to take their husband’s name. It is also sexist that the child would carry the name of only one parent, especially since the unnamed parent is the one who carried the child for nine months. The only logical solution is to give the kid a split last name. White people can’t get enough of it!
As a result, we have children growing up named Elijah Sadler-Moore.
While it’s true that many Spanish-speaking cultures do this, oftentimes their names are crazy long but are shortened into sweet one-word nicknames like Pele. Also, there is a historical precedent.
As this is a recent phenomenon, we have yet to see what happens when one split-named person marries another split-named person. Does their kid end up with four last names?
There are some concerns that collegiate lacrosse and soccer jerseys are going to look pretty strange in the next few years.
23 Microbreweries
White people don’t like stuff that’s easy to acquire. Beer is no exception.
They generally try to avoid beers like Budweiser, Labatt’s, Molson, Coors, and Heineken because if it’s mass-produced it is bad. Pabst Blue Ribbon is given a pass because it doesn’t advertise, has a cool can, and is one of the cheapest beers around. When white people are young they like to say how much they like Pabst because they can’t afford anything else, then say it tastes great. If you want to make a white person laugh when they bring up Pabst, just say, “You know, they only give the Blue Ribbon to first place…even if it was handed out in 1893.”
But Pabst is most definitely the exception and not the rule.
When white people need a beer, they turn to microbreweries, which seem to be located almost exclusively in New England, California, Oregon, Quebec, and Colorado. Being able to walk into a bar and order a beer that no one has heard of makes white people feel good about their refined beer palate.
A friend of mine once met a white guy who brought a notebook with him to every bar. He would then keep a record of all the beers he drank and his experience with them. He called it his “beer journal.”
Also of note: Most white people want to open a microbrewery at some point. One that uses organic hops.
24 Wine
There are a lot of cultures that like wine, but the way white people like wine is on a whole different level.
Within white culture, you are expected to know what a good wine is, what wine is not acceptable to like, and the names of prominent wine-growing regions. But because there are thousands of wineries, thousands of wines, and a limited time to try them or learn about the subject, white people often need to fake knowledge. If they are exposed as not being