Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [6]
Raising awareness is also awesome because once you raise awareness to an acceptable though arbitrary level, you can just back off and say, “Bam! Did my part. Now it’s your turn. Fix it.”
So, to summarize: you get all the benefits of helping (self-satisfaction, telling other people) but no need for difficult decisions or the ensuing criticism. (How do you criticize awareness?) Once again, white people find a way to score that sweet double victory.
Popular things to be aware of: the environment, diseases like cancer and AIDS, Africa, poverty, anorexia, homophobia, middle school field hockey/lacrosse teams, drug rehab, and political prisoners.
19 International Travel
White-person travel can be broken into two categories—First World and Third World.
First World is Europe and Japan, and man, this travel is not only beloved but absolutely essential in the development of a white person. Every white person takes at least one trip to Europe between the ages of 17 and 29. During this time they are likely to wear a backpack, stay at a hostel, meet someone from Ireland/Sweden/Italy with whom they have a memorable experience, get drunk, see some old churches, and ride a train.
What’s amazing is that all white people have pretty much the same experience, but all of them believe theirs to be the first of its kind, so much so that they return to North America with ideas of writing novels and screenplays about it.
Upon returning home, they will also find an affinity for a particular beer or liquor from a country they visited. They use this as an excuse to mention their travels when at a bar. “Oh, I’ll have a Czechznlishiyush Pilsner. You see, that was my favorite beer when I was traveling through Slovenia and the Czech Republic.”
The second type of white-person travel is Third World. This is when they venture to Thailand, Africa, or South America. Some do it so that they can one-up the white people who only go to Europe. As with Europe, white people like to believe they are the first white people to make this trip. As such, they should be recognized as special and important individuals.
That’s right, by going to a country, riding around on a bus or train, staying at a hotel or hostel, and eating, they are doing something important for the world.
If you are someone who lives in a country that white people like to visit, there are some things you can do for personal gain, the best of which is to make them feel fantastic by saying how you’ve never seen a white person before, and that you are amazed by their iPod—“A device that plays many songs? Impossible!” They might give it to you, then you can sell it for profit. Repeat as necessary.
20 Being an Expert on Your Culture
White people are pretty conflicted about their culture. On one hand, they are proud of the art, literature, and film produced by white culture. But on the other, they are very ashamed of all the bad things about white culture: the KKK, colonialism, slavery, Jim Crow laws, feudalism, and the treatment of Native Americans.
One way they can make up for the shame is by becoming marginally acquainted with foreign cultures. It is generally acceptable for a white person to learn a few terms in a language spoken primarily by nonwhites (such as Chinese, Tagalog, or Portuguese). They can then use these phrases to order certain “more authentic” dishes in restaurants.
White people can also take passing interest in film, politics, music, or art from these cultures. When they actually meet someone from that culture, or at least who has parents from that culture, they cannot wait to engage you in all the details that they have learned. “Have you heard the new Andy Lau CD? It’s awesome!”
It is imperative that you recognize how special and unique this white person is for knowing about your culture. Acceptable responses include “Wow, I’ve never seen a white person order chicken feet” or “How did you find out about that film? I didn’t think they had dubbed/subtitled