Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [5]
White people love “gifted” children. Do you know why? Because an astounding 100 percent of their kids are gifted! Isn’t that amazing?
I’m pretty sure the last nongifted white child was born in 1962 in Reseda, California. Since then, it’s been a pretty sweet run.
The way it works is that white kids who are actually smart are quickly identified as “gifted” and take special classes and eventually end up in college and then law school or med school.
But wait, aren’t there white people who aren’t doctors or lawyers, or even all that smart? Well, here is another of those awesome white-person win-win situations. If white kids get crappy grades and can’t seem to ever do anything right in school, they are still gifted! How, you ask? They are just too smart for school. They are too creative, too advanced to care about the trivial minutiae of the day-to-day operations of school.
Eventually they will show their creativity in elaborate constructions of bongs and intimate knowledge of different kinds of mushrooms and hash.
This knowledge is important if you ever find yourself needing to gain the acceptance of white people. If you see their kids playing peacefully, say, “Oh, they seem very focused. Are they in a gifted program?” at which point the parent will say, “Yes.” Or if the kid is lighting a dog on fire while screaming at his/her mother, you say, “My, he/she is a creative one. Is he/she gifted?” To which the parent will reply, “Oh, yes, he’s too creative and smart for school. We just don’t know what to do.” Either situation will put a white person in a better mood and make them like you more.
WARNING: Never under any circumstances imply that their child is less than a genius. The idea that something could come from them and have less than greatness is too much for them to bear.
17 Hating Their Parents
This topic ties into a number of other items, but there is no denying that white people hate their parents. There is nothing you can do to prevent this.
If you are a strict parent who makes your kid have a curfew, do homework, and not smoke weed, then you are almost guaranteed to have them scream at you, write poems about how much they hate you, and relate to songs by bands from Orange County and Florida. Eventually, they forgive you and thank you for the tough upbringing, but still resent you because their high school experience wasn’t a carbon copy of The O.C. or My So-Called Life.
On the other hand, if you are a super-laid-back parent who lets your kid go to parties and drink in the house, and you smoke weed together, you are only delaying the hatred. Because these kids eventually end up doing something stupid with their lives—dropping out of college, trying to become a painter, or spending time in a Thai prison. At which point, they hate you for being too lax and not caring enough.
But note that this hatred can be used for gain. White people love to talk about how much they hate their parents, so if you are in a situation where you need to gain a white person’s trust, ask about their parents. But under no circumstances should you try to one-up them, regardless of whether or not you were an orphan, were abused, or watched your parents get shot. If you bring this up, the white person will never talk to you about their problems again, and your chances for friendship will be ruined.
18 Awareness
An interesting fact about white people is that they firmly believe all of the world’s problems can be solved through “awareness”—meaning the process of making other people aware of problems, magically causing someone else, like the government, to fix it.
This belief allows them to feel that sweet self-satisfaction without actually having to solve anything or face any difficult challenges, because the only challenge of raising awareness is getting the attention of people who are currently unaware.
What makes this even more appealing for white people is that you can raise “awareness” through expensive dinners, parties, marathons, T-shirts, fashion shows, concerts, and bracelets. In other words, white people