Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [4]
If you find yourself in a situation with a white person, acceptable things to say include “I’m really into tea right now” or “My favorite thing is to get a nice cup of tea and curl up in a chair with a good book.” But do not remind them about the role of colonialism in tea, it will make them feel sad.
14 Having Black Friends
Much has been made about the way that white people adore all aspects of black culture and history. These days the majority of hip-hop, jazz, blues, and African-American history fans are actually white people. Ask white people about Cornel West and they might be moved to tears of respect (very rare). So it comes as no surprise that white people love having black friends. They serve many valuable functions.
The most important role that black friends can play in white culture is that they can be used as physical evidence that white people are not racist. Did you know that if you are able to acquire a friend of every race then you are officially designated as the least racist person on earth? Though this is impossible, white people treat it the same way that Buddhists view enlightenment—unattainable, but with great virtue in the attempt.
Black friends can also be used to confirm that a white person is knowledgeable about African-American culture. Many white people are constantly striving to be recognized as experts, and many consider it a life achievement to be befriended and acknowledged by a black person. But note, do not dole out your praise like piñata candy. Once white people have achieved this goal, they will be more difficult to manipulate. So it is best to tease them with little bits of praise, balanced with a few barbs. “I have to hand it to you for putting KRS-One on that party mix. I mean, you went with a pretty well-known song, but still, good job.”
Also note that all white people fantasize about being brought to an authentic “African-American” experience such as a Baptist church or a barbecue restaurant in a neighborhood that they are afraid of.
Finally, an abundance of black friends (defined in white culture as two) also enables a white person to be the resident expert on African-American issues when there are no black people around.
Moving beyond friendship, some white people actively seek out opportunities to begin romantic relationships with black people. Dating, marrying, and subsequently having a child with a black person is considered one of the greatest things a white person can do. It delivers a lifetime of opportunities to get offended and feel superior to friends with white children, but still ranks slightly behind Adopting Foreign Children (#133).
15 Yoga
Though its roots are in India, the global tree of yoga has most of its branches in rich white neighborhoods. Yoga has been so thoroughly embraced by white people because it requires large amounts of money and time, two things that white people have a lot of.
Yoga is essentially stretching with guidance. Advanced yoga is just regular yoga done in a very hot room.
You might think that since yoga is such a minimalist activity, it can be done almost anywhere. But you would be wrong. Yoga must take place on hardwood floors at a studio. Exposed beams are generally believed to enhance yoga experiences by 40 percent.
Being noncompetitive, you might think that yoga can just be done in any type of clothes that allow for a full range of motion; again you would be wrong. Yoga is much more than just an activity, it is a chance to showcase $80 pants that are tailor-made for the rigors of yoga.
And last, but not least, yoga feels exotic and foreign. It has become sort of like a religion that prizes flexibility and expensive clothes. Also, deep down, white people feel that their participation makes up for years of colonial rule in India.
16 Gifted Children