Stuff White People Like - Christian Lander [3]
If you find yourself in a situation with a white person and an awkward silence falls over you, mention any of the movies below and you will have something to talk about, and they will like you. Here are some approved comments:
1. The Darjeeling Limited (2007): “Owen Wilson is just fantastic. It’s so great to see that he’s back.”
2. Hotel Chevalier (2007): “Can you believe Natalie Portman got kind of naked?”
3. The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (2004): “I know a lot of people said they didn’t like this film, but I thought it was fantastic.” (Note: It is acceptable to be critical of this movie.)
4. The Royal Tenenbaums (2001): “This movie changed my life.”
5. Rushmore (1998): “This is when Bill Murray really changed in my eyes. He’s so fantastic in the movie, and Jason Schwartzman is a true star.”
6. Bottle Rocket (1996): “I saw this movie in 1994.”
Special Entry: It is always a good idea to say that you love Wes Anderson soundtracks.
11 Asian Girls
Ninety-five percent of white males have, at one point in their lives, experienced yellow fever. Many factors have contributed to this phenomenon, such as guilt from head taxes, internment camps, dropping the nuclear bomb, and the Vietnam War. This exchange works both ways, as Asian girls have a tendency to go for white guys. (White girls never go for Asian guys. Bruce Lee and Paul Kariya’s dad are the only recorded instances in modern history.) Asian girls often do this to get back at their strict traditional fathers. There is also the option of dating black guys, but they know deep down that this would give their non-English-speaking grandmothers a heart attack.
White men love Asian women so much that they will go to extremes like stating that Sandra Oh is sexy, teaching English in Asia, playing in a coed volleyball league, or attending institutions such as UBC (dubbed University of a Billion Chinese) or UCLA (University of CaucAsians Living among Asians). Another factor that draws white guys to Asian women is that white women are jealous of them.
Take, for instance, the fact that Asian women well into their thirties and forties retain teen or college-girl looks without the help of Botox, yoga, or a trendy diet. Asian women also avoid key white-women characteristics such as having a midlife crisis, divorce, and hobbies that don’t involve taking care of the children. When white guy and Asian girl marry, they produce hybrids that are aesthetically pleasing but often very annoying. This practice is also a means by which white people can catch up to the Asian peoples in the population race, as the hybrids often act white rather than Asian.
12 Nonprofit Organizations
It is a known fact that white people make up 95 percent of nonprofit organizations. They can’t get enough of them.
They like working there for a number of reasons, the most important of which is that it gives them a sense of self-importance. They can then tell their friends and parents that they are “helping” society, not just working to make money.
If a white person can stick around long enough, the nonprofit organization can eventually become a lucrative position. This is because nonprofits retain their top executives by paying a salary competitive with similar positions in other industries. So you can be working at a nonprofit and still make six figures, and you don’t have accountability or pressure. White people can’t lose!
13 Tea
It is a known fact that white people consume, on average, 25 different teas in a given year.
Back in the old days, white people would go all over the world to get teas from places like India and Sri Lanka. All of a sudden, white people were into tea. But as we moved forward, white people were like, “Man, one kind of tea is not enough,