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By giving jobs to white people—for many of them, their first job in this medium—I’ve enabled them to go on and have successful careers on shows like Politically Incorrect, Dharma and Greg, David Letterman’s show, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, and more. A dozen other former staffers have gone on to make their own independent films. One became an executive at

Comedy Central, and two others created shows for that network. Some of our editors have worked at HBO, and one of them has gone on to edit many of Ang (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon) Lee’s films.

I’m happy for them all, but there’s a question that gnaws away inside my head: What if I’d done the same for a hundred black writers, editors, field producers, and cinematographers on my projects over the years? Where would they be today? My guess using their talent to affect a hundred shows or movies, having their voices heard. And we’d all be better off for it.

The more I think about it, white employees can be a lot of trouble. Right now, the white person in the office next to me is playing an Eagles CD. That person’s got to go. They can also be a pretty lazy bunch—especially those who grew up with a lot of money and went to the nicer schools. They’re the ones who’ve spilled crap an over our carpets, leaving huge, ugly stains, and who’ve scratched up all our furniture. Their genetically encoded sense of privilege whispers in their ears, “Someone else (someone black?) will pick up after you.” Another employee just came in and told me she wants to take Friday off “to go out to the Hamptons.” Sure—and why don’t you take the rest of your life off while you’re at it?

So they’ve all gotta go. From now on, whitey don’t work here no more.

I suppose some government agency is going to pay me a visit over this, as I’m legally prohibited from denying employment to an entire race of people. I don’t care. Bring it on! And you better not send me some white guy, or I’ll have him fetching me burgers and scrubbing my toilet.

So if you’re African-American and you’d like to work in the media—or already do but haven’t been able to get out from behind that damn. reception desk—then I encourage you to drop me a line and send me your résumé.

Our lone white receptionist will be happy to answer any questions you may have.

2. If you own a business, pay people a living wage, provide day care, and make sure all your employees have health insurance.

This survival tip is for those of you who consider yourselves conservative and are great believers in capitalism. If being conservative is all about looking out for number one, I have a radical, but simple, idea that will guarantee you larger profits, a more productive workforce, and no labor problems.

Our black citizens are disproportionately our poorest citizens. Yet without them to do the hard labor, white society would be crippled. You want them to work even harder? You want them to help you make more money?

Here’s what you need to do:

Make sure the amount you pay your employees is enough for them to own their own home, have reliable transportation, take a vacation, and send their kids to college.

How does paying people more money make you more money?

It works like this. The more you pay workers, the more they spend. Remember, they’re not just your workers—they’re your consumers, too. The more they spend their extra cash on your products, the more your profits go up. Also, when employees have enough money that they don’t have to live in constant fear of bankruptcy, they’re able to focus more on their work—and be more productive. With fewer personal problems and less stress hanging over them, they’ll lose less time at work, meaning more profits for you. Pay them enough to afford a latemodel car (i.e., one that works), and they’ll rarely be late for work. And knowing that they’ll be able to provide a better life for their children will not only give them a more positive attitude, it’ll give them hope—and an incentive to do well for the company, because the better the company does, the better they’ll do.

Of course, if you’re like most