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of false hope we give African-Americans, so that we don’t waste any time fooling ourselves? The next time you’re talking to one of your “black friends,” instead of telling him how you’re really “down” with the new Jay-Z CD, why not put your arm around him and say, “I love ya, bro, you know that, so I gotta tell you a little secret we white people have: Your people aren’t ever going to have it as good as we do. And if you think working hard and trying to fit in is going to get you a seat on the board of directors when we’ve already got our black seat filled well, friend, if it’s equality and advancement you seek, try Sweden.”

The sooner we all start talking like that, the more honest a society we’ll all be living in.

5. Look in the mirror.

If you’re white, and you really want to help change things, why not start with yourself? Spend time with your fellow whiteys talking about what you can do to make the world a little better for whites and African-Americans alike. Stop the next white person you hear make a stupid racist comment and set him straight. Quit your whining about affirmative action. No black person is ever going to ruin your life by getting the job you “deserve.” The door will always open for you. Your only duty is to hold it open for those who have less of a chance simply because they aren’t white.

6. Don’t marry whitey.

If you’re white and you don’t like any of the above ideas, or you think they’re impractical, then there’s always one surefire way to help create a colorblind world—marry a black person and have yourselves some babies! Blacks and whites making love with each other—instead of whites just screwing blacks—will eventually give us a nation of one color. (And Hispanics and Asians can play, too!) Who’s your daddy? Everybody!

And when we’re all one color, we won’t have anything to hate each other for—other than who gets stuck at that damn reception desk.

SURVIVAL TIPS FOR BLACK PEOPLE

1. Driving While Black:

• Make yourself a less likely target for drive-by racial profiling by placing a life-size, inflatable white doll in the passenger seat (the kind people use so they can drive in carpool-only express lanes). The cops will probably think you’re a chauffeur and leave you alone.

• Try to avoid drawing any additional attention to yourself when Driving While Black. Keep your hands in the classic “10 and 2” position on the wheel. Buckle your seat belt; in fact, buckle all seatbelts, whether or not there’s anyone else in the car. Remove any “Honk If You’re Black Too!” bumper stickers; replace them with “I LOVE Hockey!”

• Avoid renting or driving any car with New Hampshire, Utah, or Maine license plates—these states have virtually no black residents, and it will of course be assumed that you’re driving a stolen vehicle and/or running drugs and/or carrying weapons. On second thought, cops make the same assumptions about black drivers in states with sizable black populations. Better idea: take the bus.

2. Shopping While Black:

• If you want to avoid being followed by shopkeepers who assume you’re going to shoplift or hold a gun to their heads while emptying the cash drawer, the solution is simple: catalogs and on-line sbopping! The beauty part? No need to leave the comforts of your home—and no more long waits for a parking spot at the mall!

• If you must enter a store, for God’s sake leave your coat outside! All those pockets will surely end up getting searched for stolen goods—you’re just asking to be arrested. Needless to say, lose the purses, shopping bags, and backpacks, too. Better yet, do your shopping in the nude. Sure, you might be subjected to the occasional body cavity search, but that’s a small price to pay to exercise your God-given right as a black American to buy stuff and contribute some of the $572 billion in your pockets that goes to the white economy every year.

3. Voting While Black:

• Because whites have rigged our elections by ensuring that the most ancient, ill-functioning voting machines all find their way to the black precincts in town, don’t leave the polling