Stupid White Men-- and Other Sorry Excuses for the State of the Nation! - Michael Moore [39]
Bring whatever tools you think you may need to see that your vote is recorded: No. 2 pencil, black marker, knitting needle (to make sure you don’t just impregnate the ballot but actually punch the holes all the way out), 3-in-1 oil, pliers, the rest of your Sears Craftsman tools, a magnifying glass, a copy of the local election laws, a copy of your voter registration card, a copy of your birth certificate, a copy of your second grade report card, any other proof that you’re still alive, a camera to record any funny business, a local reporter to show her firsthand that you weren’t kidding when you said your polling place was shipped in from Bolivia, duct tape, string, paraffin wax, a Bunsen burner, Wite Out, Shout stain remover, a lawyer, a minister, a justice of the Supreme Court. Get all those ducks in a row, and there’s half a chance your vote will be counted.
• In the 2002 elections, vote for the Democratic or Green candidate for Congress. If just five seats change party hands in favor of the Democrats, the Democrats will not only control the House, but through seniority nineteen black congressmen and women will become chair of their House committee or subcommittee. Nineteen! That’s a black takeover of the House of Representatives! (Where Green Party candidates have a chance of winning, or in districts where the Democrat behaves like a Republican, an elected Green Party congresswoman will caucus with the Democrats to make up the majority.) Don’t tell too many white people about this one—the idea of a “Black House” might really spook them out!
4. Having a Good Laugh While Black:
• Bring back those Whites Only signs from the 1950s. When nobody’s looking, place them on the doors of businesses that don’t hire blacks.
• Nonchalantly put one on the front-row seat in First Class next time you get on a plane.
• Hang one on the front office of any major league team, or anywhere in the better seats at any NBA game.
• Plant one in the lawn in front of the United States Supreme Court, and when Clarence Thomas walks by, just throw up your hands and say, “What?”
5. Breathing While Black;
You may just get to the point where you can’t take it anymore—the harassment, the discrimination, the resentment, the utter sense that you don’t belong in a nation so deeply rooted in intolerance. You may just feel like it’s time to get the hell out and move to a place where being black doesn’t make you a minority a place that feels like home.
Africa? Better think twice.
Here’s what Amnesty International has to say about Africa: “Armed conflict, mass displacement of people, torture, ill treatment and endemic impunity continue to be rife in the African region.” And 52 percent of the people in sub-Saharan Africa live on less than $1 a day. In 1998 the average monthly expenditure was only $14 a person. That IS worse than living in Detroit.
Life expectancy in the region is, at best, fifty-seven years that is, if you live in Ghana. If you’re stuck in Mozambique, you get to live to the ripe old age of thirty-seven and a half.
Couple this with seemingly never-ending droughts and famine and an overwhelming percentage of the world’s AIDS cases (and deaths), and suddenly it might look a lot easier just to dig up some old naked photos of Trent Lott at a men’s-only 0l’ Miss mixer and force his resignation (photos of Orrin Hatch, Tom DeLay, and others would do just as well).
Amy McCampbell, one of the numerous African-Americans I’ve hired since I started writing this chapter (five of my last five hires have been black—hey, take this book out of the humor section, I ain’t kidding around!), suggests that for those who want to return to their “black roots,” there’s only one way to go—the Caribbean! She says: “How about Barbados? It’s a tropical paradise; the people are peaceful, and crime is nonexistent. Life expectancy